Member of Marching Band Claims to Have ‘Sports Hernia’

Summit, NJ – Summit High School junior Drew Gorman, a three-year member of the school’s marching band, claims to have suffered a “sports hernia” injury, sources reported Tuesday.

Gorman suffered his alleged sports hernia during a particularly complex routine during halftime of a recent homecoming game against rival Chatham High School. He plays the Sousaphone, or circular marching tuba, one of the heaviest and most difficult to march and play.

"The thing weighs a lot and it takes a ton of air to play," Gorman said from his bed at home, where he is currently recuperating from the hernia he insists is somehow sports-related. "Playing a heavy instrument like this while seated is hard enough, but playing while marching requires both stamina, hand-eye coordination and athletic skill.”

Gorman added: "Did you hear that, Krista Gouther, who sits next to me in home room but hasn't spoken to me all year? You don't have to be bigshot Scott Mc-friggin-Tierney and throw touchdowns, have a strong jaw or be homecoming king to be an athlete."

Gorman says the hernia was caused by a misstep in the band's complex, physically demanding halftime routine.

"I took the wrong angle on a fast turn, and slammed right into [flute player and best friend] Martin [Breen], who, between us, was marching closer than the required two feet, and I planted my foot awkwardly. That’s when I felt a shooting pain down near my . . . well, near my private area . . . and I thought, ‘Uh-oh, this feels like what [Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan] McNabb had.”

"Did you hear that. Krista? I have the same injury as an NFL All-Pro quarterback," Gorman whispered while lightly running and staring at a picture of the striking Reese Witherspoon lookalike, Gouther, smiling back at him from her worn, earmarked Summit High yearbook page.

According to Dr. Brian Mitchell, Director of Sports Medicine at nearby Rutgers University, athletes who participate in sports that require repetitive twisting and turning at high speeds, such as football, soccer or ice hockey, may commonly be at risk of developing a 'sports hernia.’

"Athletic pubalgia, or 'sports hernia,' is a disruption of the inguinal canal without a clinically detectable hernia, a common symptom of which is unilateral groin pain. It is one of the hazards of being an elite athletic performer.”

However, when asked if Gorman might have possibly suffered a ‘sports hernia’ similar to McNabb’s during the marching band incident, Mitchell shook his head emphatically.

“The chances are virtually nonexistent that [Gorman’s] injury is anything even remotely close to McNabb’s. [McNabb] endured a partial or complete tear of muscle from the pubic bone, which is most definitely a Class A sports hernia. Mr. Gorman, on the other hand, considering when and where the injury took place -- halftime of a football game -- and the fact that there was a Sousaphone involved, clearly suffered from a Class A ‘band nerd hernia.'”

"Big difference," the smirking MItchell added.