Zimmer to Red Sox: "I Like Captain Solo Right Where He Is."

Outer Rim Territories – In a recent interview with Boston Globe's Justin Gignac about his life in baseball and, specifically, his tenure as manager of the Red Sox, giant, slug-like Yankees bench coach Don Zimmer had this ominous message for his former team:

"I like Captain Solo right where he is."

The cryptic statement was in response to Gignac’s asking the 73-year-old baseball lifer whether or not he felt he had been given a real chance to lead the Sox by then-Sox owners, Haywood Sullivan and Buddy LeRoux.

"I like Captain Solo right where he is," Zimmer repeated, and then reached into a muck-filled tank next to his throne, pulled out a squirming gorg, and ingested the helpless lizard-like creature in one gulp, after which he licked his slime-covered lips with a sick slurp and belched loudly.

His baseball career spanning more than fifty years, Zimmer managed the Red Sox from mid-1976 through 1980, followed by stints with the Texas Rangers and Chicago Cubs.

But it was during the downtime prior to joining Joe Torre’s Yankee coaching staff that Zimmer grew – both literally and figuratively – to the position of decadent, underworld crime kingpin, basing his rackets out of Tattooine and making a lucrative fortune through such unsavory exploits as slavery, spice-smuggling, gunrunning, and extortion.

When asked by Gignac to clarify his statement, Zimmer gazed down upon the reporter with his slitty, bloodshot reptilian eyes, let out a booming, ghoulish, chuckle, and, with a repulsive column of drool cascading from his bloated, flat face, finally yelled "Boska!" – at which point a trap door slid open underneath Gignac and sent the reporter tumbling down into the underground lair of the grotesque, flesh-eating Rancor.

Gignac was then torn to shreds as Zimmer’s depraved henchmen, watching through a sliding viewing grate, wildly cheered the beast on to satisfy their gruesome Yankee bloodlust.

"Mr. Gignac has not been heard from since he went to interview Zimmer at Yankee Stadium," Globe managing sports editor Joshua Rosen said. "We’ve also sent someone to Zimmer’s sail-barge to find Justin but, well, things don’t look good."

"Fucking Yankees. First they take Ruth, then Clemens, then Boggs. And now their evil bench coach is having our reporters eaten alive by beasts living in caves beneath his throne. It’s just not fair."

As of press time, Zimmer had retreated to his opulent desert palace, where he is reportedly formulating an evil plan to have Nomar Garciaparra frozen in a large slab of carbonite, which will adorn one entire wall of his sleeping chamber.

It was at this very same palace that Zimmer – when not entertaining himself by torturing naked slave-girls chained to his throne – penned the touching autobiography "Zim: A Baseball Life." The book is available at Barnes & Noble, Amazon.com, and in many black market outlets throughout Tattooine and the Outer Rim territories.