NBA Expands Into Scherer Driveway

Jamaica, NY – The NBA, ever in search of increased revenue in new markets, announced plans to add yet another expansion team for the 2004-2005 season.

While the franchise is yet to be named, league officials confirmed Tuesday that the team will play its home games in the driveway of longtime Queens, NY resident Lou Scherer, a retired heavy machine operator.

Scherer’s driveway was officially added to the expansion list after the NBA realized that it had already added teams in virtually every available square foot of free space in, near, and around the following metropolitan areas: San Diego, St. Louis, Kansas City, Las Vegas, Jacksonville, Anaheim, Tampa Bay, Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, San Jose, London, Munich, Hong Kong, Shanghai, Tokyo, San Paolo, Mexico City, Addis Ababa, Istanbul, Prague, Dhaka, Nassau, Sarajevo, Guatemala City, Jakarta, Teheran, Nairobi, Tripoli, Luxembourg, Rangoon, Katmandu, Oslo, Lima, Belgrade, Mogadishu, Khartoum, Damascus, Taipei, Hanoi, Abu Dhabi and Kabul.

"Huh?….Oh, ok, I guess that’d be fine, you know, if you guys are hurtin’ for space," said Scherer, 51, when informed by NBA Deputy Commissioner Russ Granik that the NBA has run out of room everywhere else on Earth and therefore needs his driveway for the 89th 2004 expansion franchise – this despite the fact that Scherer’s driveway has no basketball hoop and is only a 10’ by 7’ patch of cracked, weed-covered concrete in front of a ramshackle one-car garage.

"I’ve been meaning to get things cleaned up back there anyway."

While the season opener has already been scheduled for October 29, 2004 against fellow expansion team The New York Team From the Abandoned Lot Next To the Flatbush Avenue Hardees, as of press time Scherer remained skeptical that his driveway will be ready for NBA play.

"For starters, they’ll have to get someone to come haul away that piece of shit," Scherer said, motioning toward the rusted 1982 Volkswagen Rabbit Diesel that has been perched on top of cinderblocks in the corner of his driveway for 17 years, and, in that time, has housed a family of rats as well as several homeless people.

"But I guess they could nail a hoop to that tree over there, which sort of hangs over the driveway during the winter. They’ll have to play half-court, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers. And if I move my snow blower into the basement, they could use my tool shed for a locker room."

While there will be some renovation difficulties for the franchise – tentatively called the Long Island Team That Plays In Lou Scherer’s Driveway – Hall of Famer Larry Bird, part of the new team’s ownership group, sounded optimistic that the two-family home's driveway will be ready for play.

"Shoot, I’ve played in worse places," Bird said. "French Lick is a shithole. And you ever seen Detroit?"

In related news, Granik also reported that the only places on Earth not to make the NBA’s 2004 expansion cut were Juneau, Alaska and Tikrit, Iraq.