Epstein Proposes Orgasm-by-Committee, Girlfriend Reports

Boston, MA – Holly Archibald, girlfriend of 29-year-old Boston Red Sox GM Theo Epstein (below, left), reported Tuesday that Epstein has recently proposed a radical "orgasm-by-committee" approach to their lovemaking.

The unconventional proposal came after the two recently visited a local strip club, the Glass Slipper, with some friends.

"We were kinda drunk and just went there late-night as a goof," Archibald said. "Who knew that it would get Theo all riled up with all kinds of crazy group sex ideas."

Like the many baseball experts who question the rookie GM’s unproven strategy of using a committee approach in the Red Sox bullpen rather than a single closer – rotating relievers Alan Embree, Ramiro Mendoza, Chad Fox, and others based on situational needs – Archibald was initially skeptical of Epstein’s proposed plan to rotate various women in and out of their bed.

"I’m not really into the orgy thing," she said.

Nevertheless, Epstein, perhaps spurred on by the negative comments in his professional life, remains more adamant than ever that his orgasm-by-committee approach would work.

"Theo keeps mentioning how, statistically-speaking, it makes more sense in this day and age to have two, three, even four other women ready to ‘get the call’ at any given time during sex, based on any given situation. He says the old way – you know, sex with just one woman at a time – is antiquated, especially when he’s about to, you know, come – in the ‘late innings’ as he calls it – where any number of women could be called in to help me ‘close out the game.’"

"God I’m getting sick of all his baseball analogies," Archibald sighed.

While Epstein’s plan focuses on the moment of orgasm, it also calls for a committee approach to the earlier stages of sex.

"For instance," Archibald explained, "if I don’t feel like being on top or wearing a red wig and a dog collar, he can bring in a redhead who will. Or if he wants S&M followed by anal – which I’m also so not into – there’d be some total slut standing by who is into S&M and anal, and we’d all just roll around in bed or whatever. He seems pretty sure that this ‘committee’ thing will make things between us better than ever before. And he seems pretty confident that it’ll work for the Red Sox, so who knows?"

Archibald added: "But come to think of it, this could be just an elaborate scheme to nail me and a bunch of whorey strippers at the same time."

While she did say she initially considered the proposed committee approach because it would put considerably less pressure on her to fulfill Epstein’s sexual needs all by herself – "Lately, I’d rather just curl up with a good book and a cup of tea," she admitted – Archibald finally nixed Epstein’s plan after hearing some of the young GM’s other radical suggestions.

"When he mentioned getting that creepy Bill James involved, that skeeved me out. I didn’t think Theo was into old geeky guys," she said. "And when he wanted to add 280 bar-style stools with counter tops in front of them so more people could ‘enjoy the game from the best view in the house,’ well, that pretty much killed it."