Krause Shocks World With Health Problems

Chicago, IL – Bulls General Manager Jerry Krause (below, left), 64, carrying approximately 567 trembling, bubbling, clammy pounds of walking, talking, perpetually life-threatening man-beef, stunned the sports world Monday by revealing that he actually has health problems.

The shocking announcement of his less-than-perfect physical fitness came at a press conference Monday.

Oh, and he also revealed that he would be stepping down as GM of the Bulls.

"Yes, it’s true, I’m not feeling so hot – if you can believe that," Krause said, his raspy, labored breathing audible to reporters as he tightly gripped both sides of the podium to support his massive frame.

"Anyone have a Tums?" he asked.

Krause’s historic tenure in Chicago, which began in 1985, included six NBA championships, the creation of a dynasty, and thousands upon thousands of pounds of sloppily-ingested chili cheese fries, deep dish pizza, Ben & Jerry’s®, gummy worms, Fritos®, onion rings, filet mignon, fried shrimp, eggs benedict, double-thick milk shakes, pancakes, French toast, Belgian waffles, bacon, sausage links, sausage patties, Slim Jims®, scrapple, hot buttered movie popcorn, chocolate-covered chocolate, Crunch’n’Munch®, Snickers®, Kit Kat®, Rolo®, Charleston Chew®, beer-battered pork rinds, beer-battered pork loin, beer-battered beer, and beer-battered butter sticks.

And Diet Coke®.

As stunned reporters looked on, Krause matter-of-factly revealed his health woes, which he had apparently kept secret from friends, relatives and the public.

''I’ve been hiding my eating problems in a closet of shame for decades," he said as tidal waves of sweat cascaded down his porcine face and over his chins. "But now it’s out in the open – the stress of this job has caused me some minor physical problems in the past few years."

Krause added: "Oh, and ever since doctors discovered the primary source of my recent discomfort and exhaustion – that my body has been working overtime in a futile attempt to digest an uncooked roll of Duncan Hines® double chocolate chip cookie dough that somehow became lodged into my aorta three years ago – well, that just sealed my decision."

Krause then leaned over to a nearby buffet table and swallowed an entire turkey.