NCAA Re-Names Tournament "The Final Five," Permanently Adds Duke

Indianapolis, IN – NCAA officials announced Tuesday that the single-elimination national championship tournament for men’s basketball that has traditionally led to the prestigious Final Four will now lead to the Final Four and Duke.

The Final Four and Duke – which CBS has already dubbed the "Road to the Final Five" in promos pre-recorded this week – will begin play in March of 2004.

The swift announcement came after Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski, shocked and angered after failing to receive one blatantly favorable call from the referees during the team’s 69-65 West Regional loss to eventual national champion runner-up Kansas, wrote a letter of complaint to NCAA officials.

"While I’m still perplexed at the lack of referee intervention in the Kansas game, we’re excited and honored to learn of the NCAA’s decision that Duke University, without exception, will automatically be placed in the finals every March from now until the end of time," said Krzyzewski.

"Whether we finish last in the ACC or win the conference outright, it is only right that we, the gallingly infallible Duke Blue Devils, receive an unimpeded path to the Final Four – excuse me, Final Five – regardless of our performance during the season."

"Plus, our yearly ascension to basketball’s promised land is decreed by a higher power than the NCAA – it is simply God’s law," Krzyzewski said, nodding solemnly as a choir of angels sang down harmoniously from on high, and a ray of sunlight streamed through an open stained-glass window and shone down upon him, bathing him in the celestial beams to which he is accustomed.

Krzyzewski added: "And so it was written in the Book of Laettner."

While every Division I school other than Duke University has protested the decision, citing continued favoritism and preferential treatment to the perennial ACC powerhouse, NCAA executives felt that it was high time it righted the egregious errors on the part of its referees that allowed Kansas to actually defeat Duke.

"We needed to act swiftly because, clearly, our referees simply didn’t do their jobs in that game," said NCAA Assistant Director of Operations, Kevin Alansky.

"They consistently failed to call blocking fouls on Duke opponents after Duke players drove the lane totally out of control and charged. They failed to put Duke on the foul line an average of 33 more times than opponents, which is a conservative estimate of the almost criminally illegal ratio to which they’re entitled via the Hurley Amendments of 1995. And they failed to give Duke five points for every basket, which is the inflated amount to which Duke and no other team but Duke should be entitled."

Alansky also informed the press that an addendum to the new policy states that Duke will be allowed to have six active players on the court at all times to an opponent’s five, and those six players will without exception be Tracy McGrady, Allen Iverson, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Garnett ,Tim Duncan, and Shaquille O’Neal.

"We naturally wanted to allow Duke to use seasoned NBA stars against gawky, pimply college kids, but when we gave him [Coach K] the option of using actual Duke alums like Corey Maggette, Jay Williams, Danny Ferry, Trajan Langdon, and Mike Dunleavy Jr., he politely declined," Alansky said.

"He even declined using Christian Laettner," Alansky added, reverentially lowering his eyes and crossing himself at the mere mention of the Almighty One.

"In fact, Elton Brand was the only ex-Blue Devil Coach K considered for even a second."