New Diamondbacks’ Player Shocked to Learn Junior Spivey Is Black

Phoenix, AZ – Arizona Diamondbacks’ rookie first baseman Lyle Overbay, who recently began his first full season with the team, was shocked to learn that second baseman Junior Spivey (left) wasn’t a white man, most likely hailing from somewhere far below the Mason-Dixon line.

The amazing discovery took place on the first day of Diamondbacks spring training.

"I walked into the clubhouse and saw this clean, fit black dude standing in front of a locker that said ‘Junior Spivey,’ and I was like, ‘That can’t be Junior Spivey,’" Overbay said, shaking his head, still clearly befuddled by the apparent name mix-up.

"I mean, shouldn’t a ‘Junior Spivey’ be like a toothless, sister-humping shitkicker driving a beat-up pickup with a confederate flag and gun rack on it, and maybe a broken fridge lying in front of his trailer? Some hospital somewhere really messed up bigtime, that's for sure."

Overbay then said that if he hadn’t seen Arizona's Cy Young-winning pitcher Randy Johnson (right) on TV for so many years, he would have assumed that Johnson, and not Spivey himself, was in fact Junior Spivey.

"Yeah, Unit [Johnson] is way more Junior Spivey than Junior is. The real Junior is polite, educated, well-spoken, has parents who aren’t blood relatives, bathes regularly – not at all what I expected a ‘Junior Spivey’ to be like."

"Man, this is really fucking with my head," Overbay added.

Major League Baseball officials report that there hasn’t been such a blatant case of name/race confusion since RedSox/Cubs/Expos outfielder Troy O’Leary turned out to be non-Irish, and Braves second baseman Marcus Giles turned out to be non-black.