High School Recruit Convinced Official Campus Hostess Actually Wants To Have Sex With Him

Tempe, AZ –Moorestown (NJ) High School senior Robbie Weeks (left), a 2002 First Team All-State tailback who has received scholarship offers from Miami, Virginia Tech, Penn State and Michigan, believes that Arizona State University senior pre-med student/Miss Arizona finalist/president of the "Sun Devilette" Hostess Society, Ashley Holcombe, likes him for the wonderful person he is on the inside, and is interested in a meaningful relationship with him, possibly even a sexual one.

This report comes from Weeks’ best friend, Brian Gorman, 18, just mere hours after Weeks arrived in Tempe for his official, NCAA-sanctioned recruitment trip.

"I’m watching John Doe and my cell rings and it’s Robbie," said Gorman, 18. "He just got there, he’s already all tanked, and he’s all like, ‘Yo Gorms, this smoking hot betty met me at the airport, she’s laughing at all my jokes, and she said she’s never met anyone like me and she’ll be my girlfriend if I come to ASU. Dude, she’s totally into me. She says I’m deep, too. I’m so gonna bang her tonight, dude!’ "

I was like, "Whatever, man, try not to yak on her.’"

Gorman added: "And aren’t those girls just hookers or something anyway?"

As reported, upon arriving in Tempe early Friday evening, Weeks, 18, was immediately met at the airport by the 5’10", auburn-haired Holcombe, 21, and three of her sorority sisters, all of whom had just worked out and were wearing little more than black Lycra®, lace sports bras and matching shorts.

"He kept going on about how they'd ‘connected on this deep friggin’ level’ that the 'stupid chicks at our high school would never understand love like this,'" Gorman said, rolling his eyes. "And he was babbling something about her brand new red Jeep Liberty. Woo-hoo, a Jeep Liberty, stop the presses."

According to Gorman, Weeks reported that he and Holcombe’s ‘totally smokin’ friends then went to the Delta Zeta sorority house, where the entire sisterhood was waiting poolside for him and five other recruits from around the country who had arrived with their own personal Sun Devilette escorts. After entertaining the high school boys with a lingerie pillow fight on the side lawn, the hoard of thong-clad sorority sisters then challenged the recruits to a game of mud volleyball. This was followed by a thorough hosing down, massages, whirlpools, steam baths, and lobster/filet mignon/Dom Perignon dinners for all.

"He said 'Dude, I felt just like Joe Millionaire!," Gorman said.

The group then piled into the official red-flame-painted Sun Devilette Hummer H2 limo and headed off to an all-night rave at Phi Kappa Tau, the fraternity boasting the most members of ASU’s football team.

"He said he danced nude up to his armpits in foam all night with this Ashley chick," Gorman said, chuckling. "He said she gave him an ‘aspirin’ before the rave that made him want to dance all night. What a fucking rube. He can’t dance."

Weeks wasn’t the only recruit impressed by the attention of the gorgeous Sun Devilette Hostess Society girls.

"I had already committed to Colorado next year because they said I’d start right away, but then I met LaVonda," said San Mateo High (CA) Parade Second Team All-American quarterback, Desmond Maddox, 17, of his own personal hostess, ASU senior/biology major/"Tae-Bo" instructor, LaVonda Harper, whom he’d known for approximately four hours. "I probably can’t start here until my junior or senior year, but now that me and LaVonda are engaged-to-be-engaged, I’m so ASU-bound it ain’t even funny. This is true love, man. True love."

Maddox added: "And she got a madddd titties, yo! I be tappin’ that ass by midnight!"

While the use of attractive co-ed "hostesses" by college athletic departments around the country has become an essential element in high stakes, big money Division I recruiting wars, many do not agree with this controversial practice.

"It’s selling sex and misogyny, plain and simple," says Dr. Celia Willette, Dean of Student Affairs at Notre Dame, a Division I program which does not use "hostesses" in its recruiting process. "It’s telling star recruits that if they can throw a ball they can do anything they want with–and to–women. They peddle dreams of the ‘MTV rap video lifestyle’ to impressionable 18-year old boys, feed them alcohol, and have these temptresses swindle them into signing, even if that school is the worst possible situation for them football-wise, and academically."

"Here at Notre Dame, we prefer to let our football tradition, and not a taut ass or porn-quality breasts, do the talking," Willette continued. "Though come to think of it, that might be why we’ve sucked so badly for the last decade."

While Weeks claims that Holcombe is totally into him and that, after the Phi Kappa Tau rave the two will soon be engaging in some form of copulation, oral or otherwise, back in Moorestown, Gorman remained skeptical.

"Have you seen Robbie?" Gorman asked. "He’s my boy, but he’s one ugly dude. But hey, if he wants to turn down a starting spot up at Va-Tech for a chance to maybe walk-on at ASU, all because of some piece of ass yanking his chain, then more power to him."

Gorman then held out his cell phone, smiling. "Man, you gotta hear this…he just asked me to be the best man in his and this Ashley chick’s wedding. Fucking classic!"

As of press time, the half-comatose Weeks had signed an official letter of intent to attend ASU. Holcombe celebrated the signing by patting him on the head, making a quick confirmation call to ASU Head Coach Dirk Koetter, and then driving off to engage in a 5-hour oral, anal, and multi-positionary sexual marathon with real boyfriend, ASU’s NFL-bound junior defensive end Terrell Suggs.