"For the Last Time I’m Not the ‘Jesus’ Kurt Warner," Curt Warner Says

Bellevue, WA – Former Penn State and Seattle Seahawks running back, Curt Warner (left), once again had to convince visitors on the doorstep of his modest suburban home that he is not the white, Jesus-loving St. Louis Rams quarterback Kurt Warner (right). Rather, he is the retired running back and successful auto dealership owner, the black Curt Warner.

Warner reports that this latest incident is the 34th time in the past two years he has had to make such a clarification.

As the agitated mob insisted that he was, in fact, the white, Jesus-loving Kurt Warner, Warner pulled out his Pennsylvania driver’s license.

"Here, look," an exasperated Warner said to the group, members of the nearby Resurrection Presbyterian Church who were hoping to have the inspirational rags-to-riches, supermarket bag boy-turned-NFL MVP speak at their upcoming "Faith in Washington State" seminar. Warner then pointed at his personal information and picture. "See? I spell Curt with a ‘C,’ not a ‘K.’ And as you can plainly see, I’m black. The other Kurt Warner is white."

Muttering that they weren’t buying it and they’d be back "once they did some more Internet research," the church group reluctantly dispersed, leaving Warner in peace, at least for the time being.

"Believe me, I’m not a violent man," Warner said later, "but I’m seriously thinking about buying a shotgun."

Warner, who starred at Penn State and was the MVP in the Nittany Lions’s 1982 Fiesta Bowl national championship win over USC, was drafted in the first round by the Seahawks. He played eight years in the NFL, totaling nearly 7,000 yards and scoring 56 touchdowns until injuries forced him to retire 1990.

Yet despite this high-profile NFL career, and despite owning and operating the area’s most successful car dealership, he says he nevertheless has to remind even his closest neighbors that he is not the former Iowa supermarket bag boy who rose through the Arena Football League ranks to become a two-time NFL MVP.

"I don’t know whether people in this town are inbred, or there’s lead in the water, or what," Warner sighed, "but they just can’t seem to remember that I’m not that Kurt Warner. Some of those people have bought their cars from me, our kids go to school together–my black kids, mind you–and they still think I’m the other Kurt. I think I might just go speak at their stupid Jesus rally or whatever it is just so they’ll finally leave me in peace."

"But between you and me," Warner whispered, "after how awful this year was for Kurt and the Rams, I don’t think he’d be real excited to praise Jesus these days, either."