Stuart Scott Still Most Definitely Not White

Bristol, CT – Through the use of various catchphrases and physical gestures, ESPN on-air personality and "Sunday NFL Countdown" co-host, Stuart Scott, once again reaffirmed that he is, in fact, African-American, sources reported Sunday.

This marks the 8,214th time this year that Scott (right) has confirmed his non-whiteness.

"Boo-ya!" Scott yelled while replaying a clip of Browns quarterback Kelly Holcombe casually warming up on the sidelines. "Boo-YA! Holcombe be blowin’ stuff up! And I mean blowin’ stuff UP!"

This prompted Scott’s co-hosts, Ron Jaworski and Chris Mortensen, to grin nervously into the camera while slowly nodding their agreement.

Scott, a University of North Carolina graduate with a bachelor of arts degree in speech communications and radio, television, and motion pictures, then went on to describe Browns wide receiver Quincy Morgan: "Yo, this kid be 6’1" 209, and you know he runnin’ strong cuz he be eatin’ all his scrimps and erthing."

"’Scrimps’ indeed, Stu," said Jaworski. "’Scrimps’ indeed."

Experts watching the broadcast agree that this statement and countless others like it prove beyond all reasonable doubt that Stuart is and always has been, an African-American, and is in no way, shape, or form, a white broadcaster like many of his ESPN counterparts.

"Through his constant use of hyperbolic regional slang and ethnic inflections, Mr. Scott, despite his melanin-darkened skin color, still feels the need to make clear that he does not possess the same White-Anglo-Saxon bloodlines as, say, Dan Patrick or Alex Van Pelt," said Dr. Benjamin Raynes, PhD., chairman of the Language Arts Masters program at Columbia University.

"If you break down the last example–‘Yo…this kid…be 6’1" 209, and you know he runnin’ strong…cuz he be…eatin’ all his scrimps and…erthing’– you’ll notice that Mr. Scott starts with the word ‘Yo,’ a common phrase-opener in most African-American communities, as well as in some Caucasian and/or homoerotic boy-bands."

Raynes continued: "Mr. Scott then goes on to use action verbs–verbs ending in ‘-ing’–in a manner that exemplifies his most certainly not being white, i.e. removing the final "g" and inserting an apostrophe, thus making ‘running’ into ‘runnin'’ ‘eating’ into 'eatin,'’ and so forth. It’s quite telling as to his racial makeup, just in case people fail to notice his much-darker-than-white skin tone."

"Finally, he uses the down home vernacular ‘scrimps,’ indigenous to the Missisippi Gulf Coast of Louisiana, in lieu of ‘shrimp’ or even ‘shrimps,’ either of which would be accepted as a ‘white’ description of the edible crustacean, though ‘shrimps’ itself is even borderline gramatically incorrect."

Raynes added: "As for this ‘erthing’ word, however, it still remains a mystery. Is it an ebonicized version of ‘everything’? Is it a slang term for vegetables that come from the earth, i.e. ‘earth-things’? I've not a clue."

Even some African-Americans are confused by Scott’s over-the-top black behavior. "I heard him describe one of my dunks as ‘Strappin’ the ol’ yowza-pow milk truck to grampappy’s riverside wikka-wokka,’ said Sacramento Kings forward, Chris Webber. "Anybody even know what a ‘wikka-wokka’ is? Hey Stu, I like the enthusiasm, but try making some sense every now and then."

While Scott himself was unavailable for comment, an ESPN press release made it clear that he plans to remain overtly African-American, at least into the near future.

"Mr. Scott will continue to employ such phrases as ‘Call him bus driver cuz he be takin’ them kids to school,’ ‘It must be jelly because jam don’t shake like that’ and, of course, his beloved signature non-white catch-phrase, ‘Boo-ya!’ We want to make this perfectly clear: there’s no uncool, bland, boring, unmarketable caucasian genes anywhere near Stuart Scott’s strong, proud, expressive African-American bloodstream. And that’s just how the American viewer likes it."

Like Webber, however, others in the sports community are skeptical. Case in point, the following exchange between Scott and "Monday Night Football" broadcaster, John Madden, before MNF’s final game of the season between the San Francisco 49’ers and St. Louis Rams:

Scott: "Terrell Owens be workin’ harder than the Wu-Tang clan on steroids."
Madden: (Blank stare into camera)
Scott: "Yo, John, don’t hate the playa, baby, hate the game."
Madden: (Blank stare into camera) "Yes."

Madden was later heard asking MNF producers why Scott can’t talk more like that nice white baseball player, Tony Gwynn.