Bruce Jenner Still Has That Same Gay-Ass Haircut

Hidden Hills, CA – Sources inside the home of former U.S. track and field star, Bruce Jenner, say that the Olympic Decathalon gold medal winner still has the same gay-ass haircut he had back in 1976.

Jenner’s foofy, bouncy, shoulder-length, parted-down-the-middle style debuted to rave reviews during the Montreal Olympics nearly 28 years ago. However, concerned friends and family members report that the subsequent decades have rendered it sadly, embarrassingly obsolete.

Still, Jenner fails to notice, and continues on with his every day life as if he does not have a foofy, bouncy, shoulder-length, parted-down-the-middle mass of lustrous obsolete hair perched on top of his head.

"It’s astounding to think of how many times in the past 30 years he could have jumped on a hairstyle trend and done something new with that hair of his, but he never did," says longtime Jenner family friend and attorney, Scott Madden.

"I mean, think of all the wonderful men’s styles that have come and gone while that cut of his has just stayed frozen in time–the Sean Cassidy ‘teen idol,’ the Flock of Seagulls ‘flock flop,’ the Bon Jovi ‘feather,’ the MC Hammer ‘fade,’ the Kurt Cobain ‘grungy head,’ and the George Clooney ‘Clooney.’ He could have tried any one of those, but he never, ever considered it. I think he honestly believes that his hair is a living part of him, another person even, with its own personality, wants and needs. In fact, he once said that his hair was like ‘Superman’s cape,’ like ‘Tonto to the Lone Ranger.'"

Madden added: "I stopped hanging around with him so much after that."

Even Jenner's closest family members have tried to drop hints that he should perhaps consider updating his hairstyle over the past three decades, but to no avail.

"I’ll leave GQ’s or Vanity Fairs out where I know he’ll find them, usually near his beloved blow dryer," said clearly frustrated Kris Jenner, Bruce's wife of 32 years. "Or I’ll mention how great I think Matt Damon’s hair looks, or how Brad Pitt can be sexy whether he’s got a shaved head or that ratty, ‘homeless guy’ look. I’ll even say that I like haircuts of non-stars, like Parker Stevenson, or the guy who cleans our pool, hoping that Bruce might get jealous and make some changes. "

Jenner continued: "But no response. Nothing. He just keeps blow-drying it the same way he’s done for the past three decades, brushing it exactly 100 times on each side with that stupid round brush, and then, when he’s finished with his little ritual, you know what he does? He makes one of those ‘finger-guns,’ points at himself in the mirror, makes that clicking sound with his mouth and says, ‘See ya later, good-lookin.’ It’s gotten so bad that I hear that goddamn clicking sound and I want to vomit."

Now wiping tears from her eyes with the back of her hand and washing down a Zoloft pill with a glass of Chardonnay, Jenner went on to say that it shocks her that the companies her husband has endorsed over the years–including Visa, MCI, Coca-Cola, and Anheuser-Busch–have never, not once, suggested that he update his haircut. Nor did the producers of the reality show "I’m a Celebrity: Get Me out of Here!" which features Jenner, Jenner’s gay-ass hair, and other F-list celebrities trying to survive in a dangerous rainforest.

"Do you know how it feels to have to walk in public next to that…that hair," Kris Jenner asked. "Day after day after day for thirty goddamn years. You can’t even imagine the shame. It’s horrible."

Before she excused herself, Jenner finally reported that her husband also likes to stand in front of a full-length mirror wearing nothing but his gold medal and, while gently swaying back and forth, whisper "sweet nothings" to his beloved hair.

Still, despite the bewilderment caused by the haircut’s inexplicable lifespan, many can’t help but respect it.

"That haircut’s a survivor, I’ll give it that," Madden said. "It’s outlasted six presidents, countless TV shows, The Berlin Wall, you name it. Bruce is like a walking time capsule for an innocent, bygone era in American history."

He added: "Well, a walking time capsule with a really gay-ass haircut."