Contreras Is 31-Years-Old, Agent Says With Completely Straight Face

Tampa, FL – The agent for prized Cuban free agent pitcher, Jose Contreras, arriving at Legends Field for the kickoff of Yankees Spring Training 2003, reaffirmed that his client is indeed 31-years old. And once again, he managed to do so without bursting out into uncontrollable bouts of raucous, hysterical laughter, followed by doubling over in borderline stomach pain.

"For Jose, it's an honor to play for the Yankees,'' said William Bensley, partner at IMG, without so much as giggling. "He sacrificed some money to play for the Yankees, but they were the team he wanted to be with. He’s been a Yankee fan since the days of Ruth, Gehrig, and DiMaggio."

Bensley then quickly added: "I mean, he’s read about Ruth, Gehrig and DiMaggio. He never actually played with them. He really wasn’t even born yet. Honestly."

Contreras, a former star pitcher for the Cuban national team, received the largest deal ever for a Cuban defector, trumping the $14.5 million contract pitcher Danys Baez signed with Cleveland three years ago. Contreras throws in the mid-90s, and the Yankees see him as a valuable part of their rotation long into the future, despite the fact that he has a severely wrinkled face, liver spots, and failing eyesight, and appears that he could literally die any day now from any number of age-related illnesses.

The agent went on to say that even though the Boston Red Sox offered more money, GM Theo Epstein’s skepticism about Contreras’s age caused a breakdown in talks, this despite presenting Contreras’s birth certificate to Sox top brass.

"Here, see for yourselves," Bensley told reporters, holding up what appeared to be a torn scrap of a brown Winn-Dixie shopping bag with "December 12, 1971" scribbled on it in yellow highlighter. "I hope seeing Jose’s official Cuban birth certificate puts an end to this unsubstantiated, unfair witch hunt."

Of the Sox’ intense scrutiny, Bensley said: "They wanted Jose to undergo all kinds of non-baseball-related tests, like reading the top line of an optometrist’s eye chart, taking one of those driving tests where you have to navigate around traffic cones, toe-touching, breathing without the aid of an iron lung, and Matlock-watching. Jose had already proven himself over the years. We felt it was just plain disrespectful."

"Obviously, we were disappointed at first,'' Epstein said after returning to Boston from his unsuccessful bid to sign Contreras at the pitcher’s temporary home in Nicaragua. "But there is lots of risk involved in signing pitchers who have never thrown a single inning of professional baseball, and, more importantly, who appear to have been born sometime during the Great Depression."

"I mean, seriously, look at him" Epstein added, "Up close, the guy is the spitting image of that actor Scatman Crothers."

Upon learning of Epstein’s comments, Bensley vehemently disagreed.

"Jose Contreras is the best pitcher ever in amateur baseball. He has an exploding fastball and slider, plus a championship character, which he displayed long ago when he struck out Eddie Matthews, Duke Snider and Hank Aaron in succession during that exhibition game in pre-Castro Havana between the Cuban National Team and a traveling squad of 1954 Major League All-Stars."

Bensley added: "Um, I meant Mike Bordick, Jay Gibbons, and David Segui…of the Orioles…in 1999."

Contreras’s deal calls for a $6 million signing bonus, with $2 million payable in each of the first two years and $1 million in each of the final two years, and annual salaries of $4 million, $7 million, $7 million and $8 million. And since he is already eligible for Social Security, Medicare and valuable AARP discounts, his deal could increase to nearly $10 million per year.