Red Sox Deal Cy Young Winner For Pakistani Cab Driver
Story by Sports Rag beat writer, Daniel Feldman

Boston, MA – On the heels of the Atlanta Braves shocking the baseball world over the winter by trading 18-game winner Kevin Millwood to division rival Philadelphia for weak-hitting, minor league journeyman catcher, Johnny Estrada, the Boston Red Sox announced they’ve agreed in principle on a shocking deal with their longtime rival, the New York Yankees.

The trade: three-time Cy Young award winner Pedro Martinez (left) for veteran New York City cab driver and Pakistani national, Shergul-Shareef Arshadi.

The deal is contingent upon both Martinez and Arshadi passing physicals, and upon transfer of Arshadi’s hack license from New York’s Yellow Cab Co. to Allston, MA-based Checker Cab.

While fans across New England have expressed everything from numbness to shock to murderous rage at the announcement, 29-year-old Red Sox General Manager, Theo Epstein (below, right), already under fire for his failure to sign Cuban free agent pitcher Jose Contreras, called a news conference in an attempt to diffuse the situation.

"We’ve had our eye on Arshadi for quite some time," Epstein said. "He’ll cost far less than Pedro over the long haul. He’s a battler who can be a set-up guy or a closer, and can drive either automatic or standard transmission. That’s a rare combination these days. He’s versatile."

Epstein added: "And his air-freshening, rearview mirror Christmas trees are never too overbearing. He’s a pro."

Geoff Zahn, Red Sox northeast Director of Scouting, first rode in Arshadi's taxicab nearly two years ago from Manhattan’s Alphabet City to LaGuardia airport, and impressed the Sox scout with his aggressive yet controlled driving, ability to change lanes, command of American curses, and problem-solving techniques.

Epstein, who later rode in Arshadi's cab as the deal progressed, verified Zahn's report.

"He [Arshadi] weaved through cars over the Triboro like I’ve never seen. He had his own EZ-Pass, so we cruised through the tolls. His parallel parking at the airport was effortless. I made the 10:30 Delta Shuttle when I thought for sure I’d have to wait for the 11:30. I have no doubt that he could handle the pressure of a pennant race."

There are also reports that Arshadi once drove from 125th Street down to Houston Street without hitting a single red light, but these were unconfirmed as of press time.

When questioned about how trading Martinez for a cab driver–instead of an actual baseball player–would help the Red Sox, Epstein explained: "We win as a city, we lose as a city. If you aren’t from Boston you wouldn't understand. If ‘No-No Nannette’ had been a huge success, no one would be complaining at all, it might have even lead to Broadway moving to Boston. I am confident that in the long run the trade will be a boon for the Red Sox. Think of the upside. The Curse is over. Repeat, The Curse is over."

When ESPN’s Peter Gammons asked what in God’s name that meant, and how exactly this ends The Curse, Epstein pretended his microphone was broken.

While experts question the Red Sox trading their ace to the hated Yankees, Epstein reasoned that Pedro's recurring arm problems made it unlikely that any other team, save the cash-rich Yankees, would be willing to take on his salary.

"Plus," he added, "no other city has as many veteran, talented cab drivers as New York. Where were supposed to get a cabbie like him? Anaheim? Milwaukee? I think Mr. Arshadi will fit right in driving through the Big Dig and swearing at people."

As the trade talks began to surface, insiders said that Arshadi had, in fact, been the Red Sox fourth target. However, Epstein vehemently denied that after losing out on Contreras, he had also been rebuffed in his attempts to acquire "Raven," a featured dancer at [popular New York Gentlemen's club] "Scores," and Carson Daly, the host of MTV's popular "Total Request Live."

Epstein, who recently turned 29, also denied that he had told friends that it would be "really, really cool to hang out with Carson Daly and a stripper."

During the heated news conference–which included a five minute break for Epstein to let his mother know that he wanted Gorton’s® fish sticks for dinner–the young Sox GM argued that Arshadi’s in-cab skills would lead the Red Sox by example, and that Frank Castillo, who had been demoted to the bullpen, would return to the starting rotation and easily match the number of innings Pedro pitched last season. "At least that’s what happened when I ran the numbers through a strat-o-matic season," Epstein said.

"And Bill James also said the stats told no lies, so there."

When reached on his cell phone, Arshadi expressed confusion and disbelief at the trade. He didn't understand how in a free country he could be forced to leave New York against his will, especially as he and his family had recently moved into a rent-controlled apartment in Queens.

"However," he said, "as a peaceful, hard-working, light-brown-skinned foreigner with no terrorist connections whatsoever, I do not want to upset the wonderful, rational American people who love their baseball. Therefore, I will not seek to block this transaction, as difficult as it may be for me to understand."

"But I do not worry," Arshadi continued. "I’m sure Boston is a warm, friendly, welcoming city for foreigners in these post 9/11 times, especially foreigners of Middle-Eastern, Indian, or Pakistani descent."

Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman has yet to comment on the Martinez-Arshadi deal, despite numerous messages left on his answering machine. Reporters believe it was his machine, anyway, as the recorded greeting was simply ten seconds of uncontrollable laughter mixed with a "1918!" chant.

The Red Sox, according to Epstein, may not be done dealing.

There is an unconfirmed report that the team has offered right fielder Trot Nixon to the Toronto Blue Jays for "Rush" drummer Neal Pert, and All-Star shortstop Nomar Garciaparra to the San Diego Padres for San Diego Zoo curator and frequent "Jay Leno Show" show guest, Jack Hannah.