Hockey Player Upset at Lack of Interest in Off-Ice Troubles

CHICAGO -- Chicago Blackhawks' forward Theo Fleury (left), who has struggled with substance abuse and anger management problems over his successful but turbulent 15-year career, reported Friday that he's fed up with how little attention his personal problems have received.

"I've been a drug addict, a domestic abuser, and, generally, a menace to decent, upstanding society," a clearly frustrated Fleury told the lone Chicago Sun-Times intern assigned to cover the Fleury story in exchange for three course credits. "But do I get any ESPN attention? Do you see me on 'mugshots.com' or any of those cool famous-guys-doing-bad-things websites? No. Where's my 'Outside the Lines' segment on coke fiend hockey players gone bad? I've earned this!"

"I mean [expletive deleted]," Fleury continued, "what does a guy have to do to get some publicity around here, cut off two peoples' heads like OJ? Chain our nanny to a radiator and assault her with a turkey baster, which, by the way I almost did the other night after relapsing on some blow?"

The intern, sipping casually from a Diet Dr. Pepper, just shrugged.

"OK, fine, I didn't 'almost do' that," Fleury admitted. "But I thought about doing it, and isn't that enough to get some [expletive deleted] bad-boy press around here?"

Fleury's frustrations have built up over many years of watching the ceaseless American media coverage of the personal and legal difficulties of its sports stars, and he claims there's simply a lack of respect for the NHL, as well as a media bias against Canadians in particular.

"What, just because we say 'oot' instead of 'out,' and listen to Bryan Adams and Loverboy, it means we can't beat our wives, do drugs, and get in nightclub brawls with the best of 'em? That's horse[expletive deleted]. The NHL has some of the most out-of-control, law breaking psychos on the planet. I mean, look at all those mullets….you can't put that many mullets together and not have some violence come out of it."

Fleury believes even American hockey players don't get nearly enough credit for their off-ice personal and legal problems as do their counterparts in other sports.

"Look at Kevin Stevens -- the guy gets busted in East St. Louis with a crack rock the size of a softball and a couple of cheap whores, and all the American media can say is 'Sorry Mr. Unappreciated Hockey Player, but Michael Irvin did that already.' It's a disgrace."

"If that's the shoddy treatment we're going to get, I'm done with blowing lines off of hookers' chests and beating the [expletive deleted] out of my loved ones," he said. "It's just not worth the effort anymore."

Fleury, 34, signed a two-year, $8.5-million contract with the Blackhawks on Aug. 15, following three turbulent years with the New York Rangers. While in New York, the 5-foot-6 forward checked himself into the NHL-NHLPA substance-abuse program. He also had numerous run-ins with referees, stormed off the ice with eight minutes left in a game at Pittsburgh, and had a violent, drug-fueled confrontation with the San Jose Sharks' mascot -- none of which was widely reported.

Despite his record, the NHL itself doesn't even appear to be aware of Fleury's off-ice troubles anymore.

"As far as we know, Mr. Flurrire [sic] has been cooperative in his intensive treatment program for drugs, or alcohol, or whatever it was," the league said in a hastily written joint statement with the NHL Players Association. "He will participate in a standard aftercare plan or something, but if he doesn't, well….um, we have to go now. 'American Justice' is doing a thing on Jose Canseco's legal troubles in the late 1980's and our TIVO is broken, so we can't tape it. That Canseco was one wild bad boy."

When told of the league's half-hearted attempt to recognize his troubles, Fleury wasn't surprised.

"That's par for the course," he said. "I'm doing bad things right now and they're concerned with Jose Canseco getting a speeding ticket, what, fifteen years ago?" This is total bull[expletive deleted]."

"See that?" he asked the Sun Times intern, who was busy packing up his knapsack and was unable to hear Fleury through his blaring Walkman. "The American media even censors my swears so people won't know what a bad mother[expletive deleted] I am. Betcha if Mike Tyson were here, you'd be seeing [expletive deleted], [expletive deleted], and [expletive deleted] all over this story. But oh no, not for the little Canadian guy!"

"Aw, [expletive deleted] this!"