Bryn Mawr, PA -- Former baseball star Mitch "Wild Thing" Williams, once one of the most charismatic and feared relievers in the game, is now known as Mitch "Lying in La-Z-Boy Drinking Pabst Thing" Williams, concerned relatives reported Tuesday."I don't want to sound mean," said daughter Ashley Williams, 13, "but ever since Dad retired from the Royals, he's been kind of this big slacker. He's always just tipped back in his recliner, drinking beer, and usually watching that stupid 'Becker.'"
She added: "Like, who even watches 'Becker?'"
Once a flamethrowing southpaw who often approached 100 m.p.h. on the radar gun, Williams now spends most days doing things at approximately 0 m.p.h, his only movements consisting of a handful of listless, groaning reaches for such "couch potato" staples as remote controls, beer cans, back issues of T.V Guide, and plastic bags filled with deep fried snack treats.
This, other family members believe, has had a drastic effect on his morale, as well as his personal hygiene.
"The other day, he spilled a big glob of that nasty salsa-and-cheese-dip stuff on his sweatshirt," said daughter Kerri, 15. "But instead of getting up and changing, like any normal person would do, he just lied [sic] there, stared at it for a second, and then scooped it off with a Tostito and ate it. It was so gross."
"And he still has that stupid stained sweatshirt on, like, three days later," she added, rolling her eyes. "God I wish he'd just get a job or go running or something."
Over an eleven-year career that began in 1986, Williams, 38, played for six teams before finally retiring in 1997 after appearing in just seven games for the Kansas City Royals. But he reached the height of his fame as the star closer for the Philadelphia Phillies – the 1993 National League Champions who were defeated by the Toronto Blue Jays on Joe Carter’s Game 6, ninth-inning home run (right)."These suds are getting' kinda warm," Williams responded when asked about the '93 Series and the 2-2 slider that Carter launched into the left field seats. "Hey man, pass me that coozy, will ya?"
Many experts who have been following the downward spiral of Williams' post-baseball life believe that while age and diminished skill have certainly played a role, it was the mental anguish following the Carter home run that signalled the end for the former "Wild Thing."
"Often, pro athletes need a stark 'wake up call,' as it were, to alert them that it's simply time to move on," said noted sports psychologist, Dr. Andrew Perelson, author of of the best-selling book Golden Boy to Golden Girls: When Star Athletes Retire. "And I believe that in Mr. Williams' case, the [Carter] home run was that wake-up. He was never the same, mentally or physically, and now behaves as most ex-athletes do when they're no longer in the spotlight: loafing around the house, annoying their families, and gorging themselves into obesity on fast food, beer, and cheese you spray from an aerosol can."
Perelson then pointed to another Golden Boy case study, former Minnesota Twins star Kirby Puckett, who has gained approximately 125 pounds since retirement and been charged with sexual assault. "I call Kirby's physical transformation the 'Sug Knight Syndrome.' It's startling."He added: "But I was shocked when I interviewed Mr. Williams. He had little pieces of half-chewed Funyans stuck in his goatee the whole time we talked. Clinically speaking, that was really fucking disgusting."