Cleveland, OH -- Reports out of St. Vincent-St. Mary High School say that the school, facing pressure to de-emphasize athletics and promote education, has reached an expanded pay-per-view deal with cable giant Time Warner, the company that plans to broadcast 10 of SVSM'a home games as a national showcase for likely #1 overall pick in the 2003 NBA draft, Lebron James.

The new deal: when viewers purchase Lebron's games for $19.95, Time Warner will throw in free, post-game bonus coverage of Lebron's gawky, bespectacled younger brother, Albert, studying quietly in his bedroom.

That was the word from SV-SM yesterday as officials from both parties scrambled to resolve an eleventh hour snag with the Houghton-Mifflin Company, publisher of the younger James's biology and trigonometry textbooks, who is demanding a cut of any profits generated by the televised Albert James study sessions.

Insiders say the pay-per-view deal was re-worked after SVSM, Time Warner, and the Ohio High School Athletic Association all received heavy criticism from parenting groups for sending an irresponsible message to America's youth: that sports, not academics, are the only way to achieve success in life, and that money is the true key to happiness.

The tweaked deal, claims Time Warner spokesman George Roberts, answers the critics, and then some.

"Time Warner is dedicated to promoting education, strong values, and self-esteem in all our children," Roberts said. "By agreeing to televise the untalented, frail, plug-ugly, shy, bookwormy Albert right after broadcasting the supremely talented, charismatic, handsome, future NBA #1 draft pick and multimillionaire Lebron, we're speaking to every kid out there, to -- how do the kids say it? -- both the 'jocks' and the 'geeks.'"

"And to those 'geeks' we're saying, um, 'Hey, you freakin' geeks, this kid's a sad, pathetic loser just like you. He's all alone in his room, no adoring fans, no hot cheerleaders, no posses, no tattoos, no shoe deals, no interviews, no signing bonuses, no meaningful human contact or social development whatsoever, all of which will lead to him being a serial killer someday. Isn't studying cool?'"

To further prove his point, Roberts revealed what Time Warner has planned after Lebron's January 24th game against rival Walsh Jesuit, against whom he scored 63 points last year.

"Oh, that's going to be a good night of pay-per-view hoops-studying action," Roberts said. "After yet another star-making performance by Lebron, we'll be showing Albert deep in the midst of a knockdown, dragout Pythagorean theorem, after which he will attempt to call LaTanya Donaldson, the girl he likes. But, as always, he'll chicken out right before pushing the seventh digit on her phone number, after which he’ll tear up a Nike promotional poster of his brother, spit at his own reflection in the mirror, and then burst into uncontrollable, heaving sobs."

Roberts added: "We're also considering a broadcast where Albert's alcoholic uncle Larry sneaks into Albert's room touches him inappropriately. That would blow the 'Real World: Las Vegas Uncut' pay-per-view right of the water."

While both Time-Warner and St. Mary's-St.Vincent's are clearly making an effort to give the pay-per-view offerings a wider appeal and fend off criticism from educators, some opponents still aren't convinced.

"It's a token gesture, at best," said Albert’s SVSM advanced trigonometry teacher, Steven Farmen. "Albert's study sessions should be on TV because of Albert's unmatched ability to break down the Weierstrass Min/MaxTheorem, which states that if ƒ is continuous on [a,b] then it achieves both a maximum and minimum value on [a,b] and its inverse function &Mac183; over Ø is continuous on ƒ&Mac197;I when x is greater than the sum of the inverse &Mac189;, not because his alpha male older brother can bounce a basketball into a round hoop. Don't you hero-worshipping fools see that?"

Farmen then pushed his glasses back onto the bridge of his nose with his index finger, only to discover that the reporters had long departed.