Inspired by the disastrous results at the World Basketball Championships at Conseco Fieldhouse in Indianapolis -- which saw the U.S. team finishing in dismal 6th place after losses to Argentina, Yugoslavia, and Spain -- here are the TOP TEN REASONS THE U.S. TEAM DIDN'T WIN THE GOLD MEDAL:

10. "Conseco" is Argentinean for "Spoiled, lazy, prima donna NBA fuckwads."

9. George Karl just kept coaching way too George Karlish.

8. Fans in Indianapolis overly critical of players not being loud racecars.

7. Eight minutes of team bonding prior to tournament surprisingly not enough.

6. Angolans clearly put some creepy eye-of-newt/bat's liver/yak's urine voodoo spell on poor Jermaine O'Neal.

5. Yugoslavian coach promised team trip to real, American Arby's® as extra incentive.

4. Other countries' teams wanted to stay away from other countries for as long as humanly possible.

3. Despite what he saw on that Bugs Bunny cartoon, Paul Pierce physically unable to play all positions at the same time.

2. We lose: we go back to NBA. They lose: they go back to vermin-infested, forced-labor death gulags.

1. No clue, but it definitely had something to do with that meddling bitch, Joan Van Ark.

He’s just so George Karlish.