Chicago, IL -- Front office executives and Public Relations officials for the Chicago White Sox report that in a surprise move, the team is seriously reconsidering the continuation of their popular "Shirtless, Jailhouse-Tattooed, Mulleted, Inbred Father-and- Son" Night promotion for next season.
The decision comes on the heels of the recent incident involving two overzealous White Sox fans, William Ligue Jr. and his 15-year-old son, who charged onto the field and brutally attacked Kansas City first base coach Tom Gamboa.
"Hindsight is 20-20, but we're obviously going to have to do some tinkering for next year," said Adam Chapnick, White Sox Director of Community Relations. "We're focus-grouping some ideas as we speak."
"That said," Chapnick continued, "we don't want the actions of a few bad apples to ruin the fun for all the good shirtless, hillbilly fathers with a history of severe violence who violate parole with a concealed weapon in order to spend some quality time at the ballpark with their illegitimate sons who were conceived in a 1983 Subaru Brat behind a Piggly Wiggly. That just wouldn't be fair."
Chapnick added: "Comiskey is a family park, and we're going to do everything we can to promote one of our country's most revered, time-honored family traditions: a father and a son going to the ballpark, sharing some peanuts and Crackerjack, and, of course, charging the field and committing aggravated battery."
While the White Sox have taken measures to prevent the occurrence of another incident -- officially banning shivs and zip-guns, no longer showing clips from "Caught on Tape: Backyard Wrestling Bloodfest IV " on the Jumbotron between innings, and stopping the sale of 600-proof corn liquor after the 7th inning -- General Manager Kenny Williams said they will not overreact and cancel other upcoming promotions that are loved by the team's loyal fan base.
"Whenever something like this [the Gamboa attack] happens, you must re-examine your security and stadium policies," Williams said. "But not at the expense of providing a fun, exciting ballpark atmosphere for our fans. So 'Convicted Sexual Offender Night, 'Guys Who Aren't Exactly Strangers To Domestic Battery' Night, 'On the Run From U.S. Marshals' Night, and 'Dangerously Schizophrenic Gay Prostitute Cannibalizing Serial Killer' Night will go on as scheduled."
‘Bad apple’ who ruined fun for other inebriated, goat-fucking fathers and sons at Comiskey Park that night.