Story by Sports Rag beat writer, C.J. Kaplan

East Rutherford, NJ -- Disturbing reports out of the New Jersey Nets camp were confirmed yesterday when credible sources revealed that Nets fans are actually paid extras.

In advertising and movie parlance, an "extra" is an actor who is paid a nominal, one-time fee to appear on screen without saying a word, often without even having their face show up in the final cut. Extras are generally actors trying to make it into lead roles, or people with alternative sources of income who just like hanging around production sites eating free donuts.

Suspicion of the Nets using extras to fill seats in the cavernous Continental Air Arena first surfaced during last June's NBA Finals.

Unfortunately for the Nets and their front office, the Los Angeles Lakers were the opponents in that mismatched series. The Lakers, as is widely known, count many Hollywood stars among the team's most loyal fans -- including Jack Nicholson, Dyan Cannon, John Cusack, and Cuba Gooding, Jr. -- as well as countless directors, producers, and other Hollywood insiders, many of whom made the trip east to see the final two games of the championship.

While at the away games, these show biz moguls had a strangely familiar feeling about the "fans" sitting around them.

"I looked down my row and saw, like, five guys who I used in the crowded dock scenes in Titanic," insisted veteran filmmaker James Cameron. "Then I saw another three guys who may or may not have been in the bar scene in Terminator 2."

Cameron added: "One of the Titanic guys even saw me, and started to say hi, but then quickly pulled his baseball cap down over his eyes, got up, and hurried off to the concession stand. It was…odd."

Said respected actor/director Clint Eastwood: "There was definitely a guy who I shot in the head seven or eight times in Unforgiven. And some other guy who was in one of those Young Guns movies, you know, with the Sheen kids?"

It should be pointed out that the actor in Young Guns to whom Eastwood was referring was rock idol/Jersey resident Jon Bon Jovi. Whether or not Bon Jovi is a Nets fan has yet to be confirmed.

When this story leaked earlier this week, a Nets spokesperson issued the following statement. "I'm not saying whether or not we paid fans to come watch the Nets, or whether NBC threatened us because 'they'd broadcast from a totally empty, charmless mausoleum-of-an-arena over their cold, dead bodies.' But let me ask you this: everybody to the north and east is a Knicks fan and everybody to the south and west is 76er fan, right? So, where does that leave us, huh? Tell me, you smartasses. Where does that leave us?"

"That's right…with Devils fans," the spokesperson added. "And no one wants that."

The one "fan" who had attended the NBA Finals, and did agree to answer questions, was equally obtuse.

"No, I like the Nets. I really do," said Ray Larson, 33, of Red Bank. "They really help me take my mind off my shitty, soul-crushing TGI Friday’s waitering job which I'm only doing until I hear about that part on 'CSI:Miami' and...uh, I mean, Go Nets! Woooooo! Jackson Kidd is the best player in the world! Wooooo!"

Other "fans" declined comment.

Nets star point guard Jackson…uh, Jason Kidd.