Detroit, MI – On the heels of Florida State Coach Bobby Bowden’s recent decision to adopt the inspirational "Let’s Roll!" as the Seminoles football slogan, the NFL’s Detroit Lions, coming off a dismal 2-14 2001 campaign, unveiled a new battle cry for its own upcoming season:

"Let’s At Least Try To Show Up On Time!"

The brand new motivational slogan will appear on bumper stickers, t-shirts, and in several visible locations throughout brand new Ford Field. It is believed to have been the brainchild of General Manager Matt Millen and Head Coach Marty Mornhinweg, who met for several weeks on the subject before settling on the perfect catch-phrase.

"Their [Florida State] program has such a long tradition of excellence and achievement, with countless national championships, so it’s only natural they should choose these poignant, stirring words of victory," said Mornhinweg. "But for us, well, we figured we’d start out with a more -- what’s the word? – a more modest catch phrase. As they say, baby steps…baby steps."

Mornhinweg added: "I mean, did you see us play last year? Talk about your clusterfucks."

"Let's roll!" was the last audible remark from United Flight 93 before that plane crashed into the Pennsylvania countryside last Sept. 11. It was attributed Todd Beamer, a former Wheaton (Ill.) College athlete who was one of the leaders of the passengers' selfless and heroic uprising to thwart the hijackers. Flight 93 was believed to have been heading toward the White House, and it is widely agreed that the brave, courageous actions of Mr. Beamer and the others saved countless lives.

So it only stands to reason that the Lions declined to associate themselves with those actions, or the aforementioned adjectives like "brave" and "courageous," in any way, shape, or form.

"Yeah, that would have been way, way off," said quarterback Mike McMahon. "Like Coach said, ‘baby steps.’ We’ll start by showing up to games on time, and to the right stadiums. If we prove we can handle that – and we’re professionals, so I think we can - we’ll move on to wearing the right pads, tying our cleats, wearing the same uniform pants and shirts, and then finding our way out of the locker room without help from security. And then, if all goes well, we’ll move on to playing with those brown things we throw around sometimes….what’s their name? Those little brown things?"

When told the oblong-shaped object to which he was referring is commonly known as a "football," and is, in fact, traditionally made of pigskin, McMahon nodded.

"Ah, right, right," he smiled sheepishly, "‘Foot-ball.’ I knew that."

McMahon then made an awkward throwing motion, scraping his knuckles on the ceiling and smashing his hand into his locker door on the follow through, immediately breaking the fourth and sixth metacarpals.

While it remains to be seen whether "Let’s At Least Try To Show Up On Time!" will have any impact upon the team’s off-field psyche and on-field performance, Millen remains optimistic that it will have the desired effect.

"I think we still have a tough division, even after realignment, so it’s not going to be easy," he said. "But even if we get pummeled mercilessly week after week after week, I’ll consider the season a success if we lead the NFL in punctuality."

The Lions are not the first professional sports organization to adpot a motivational slogan. Others have included "Let’s Play Sober Sometimes!" from the 1963 New York Mets, who finished 60 games out of first place with a 40-120 record the previous year, "Oh Holy God, Please Make the Horror Stop!" adopted by the 9-73 Philadelphia 76ers of ‘72-‘73, and "Awww, Fuck This Motherfuckin' Horse Shit!" from the 0-14 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Matt Millen, one half of ingenious think-tank behind new motivational slogan modeled on that of coach Bobby Bowden (right).

Ford Field, new home of what hopes to be the most punctual team in the NFL.

Mets' manager Casey Stengel, who urged his 1962 team to play sober whenever possible.