Brentwood, CA – Sharon Baines-Miller, wife of former Monday Night Football announcer/comedian Dennis Miller, complained of her husband’s intrusive presence on Monday nights, sources report.
Miller, who was hired by ABC in 2000 to spice up sagging Monday Night Football ratings, was unceremoniously fired after two controversial seasons, leaving him basically unemployed and freeing up his weekday schedule -- much to the dismay of his wife."I used to have my girlfriends over for book club on Mondays when Dennis was off working," she said. "I had the place all to myself. I'd put on some Jewel, and we’d have some wine and chat about the latest Oprah selection. It was bliss."
Miller then shook her head and grimaced. "But not any more. Now he [Dennis] just mopes around the house wearing nothing but his underwear and one of those old-time, yellow Monday Night Football blazers that’s ripped and has stains all over it. He hasn’t shaved in weeks, he stinks of single malt scotch, and he’s constantly providing imaginary color commentary into a vase while staring at the TV, which isn’t even turned on, mind you. I love him, and I’m worried about him, but between you and me I wish he’d just get a job on Mondays or something."
Baines-Miller added: "And if he makes one more goddamn Shakespearean reference to describe how he was wronged, I’m going to drink poison myself."
While her husband is mostly docile and passive, albeit intrusive, on his now-free Monday nights, Baines-Miller reported that Dennis can sometimes become agitated, even violent, especially when watching ABC’s new broadcast team, which now pairs his former colleague, Al Michaels, with longtime announcer and Hall of Fame coaching legend, John Madden.
"This past Monday, the Eagles-Redskins game, Dennis was very upset," Baines-Miller reported. "He started spouting off again, something about John Madden being 'Iago to his Othello, plotting and manipulating his earthly demise.' He then jumped up, threw his microphone – I mean, vase – at the TV and yelled ‘Blood! Blood! Blood! Now, by yond marble heaven, in the due reverence of a sacred vow, I here enrage my words!’ I don’t know what in God’s name he was talking about, but I couldn’t take it anymore. I called the police."
Officer David Weist, who responded to Baines-Miller’s 911 call, described Mr. Miller’s state as "highly volatile, almost animalistic." He went on to say that when he arrived, Miller was perched on the mantle above the fireplace on his haunches and totally naked, covered in dirt and what appeared to be salsa, and holding a spatula like a microphone, and was engaged in a nervous, chattering monologue that compared Steve Mariucci and the San Francisco 49’ers West Coast Offense to the North African battle campaigns of World War II Nazi Field Marshal general Erwin Rommel.
"He was going on about how ‘The Desert Fox’ outwitted and confused Allied forces with blitzkrieg tactics," Weist said, "giving Axis powers control of the swirling, endless, blazing, painted sands of the Northern Sahara…which was much like the confusion tactics Mariucci employs with his two-back set of Kevan Barlow and Garrison Hearst."
"Or something like that, anyway," Weist continued. "Hey, I’m no moron, but I’m no Rhodes Scholar either, so I couldn’t understand a damn word he was saying."
"But I thought he might be on PCP," Weist added, "so I finally just maced him and called for backup."
Miller was finally dragged out of his Brentwood home by a team of officers, including LAPD Animal Control, and taken to nearby Cedar-Sinai hospital where he is currently sedated and resting in stable condition.
While she sympathizes with her husband’s dismay over his Monday Night Football firing, Baines-Miller is also relieved to have a few quiet nights to herself while Dennis recuperates -- especially Monday Nights.
"It’s so peaceful now without Dennis scuttling around the house like some kind of mad ape, screaming all those obscure Plato, Rasputin, and George Halas references," she said, curled up on the couch under a blanket, sipping from a cup of Earl Grey tea. "And we have book club started up again. I’m almost halfway through ‘The Poisonwood Bible.’ I never would have gotten even this far with him around."
Miller’s former coworkers, Al "Backstabbing Turncoat" Michaels and John "Iago" Madden.
Miller, just days before police removed him from home.
William Shakespeare, one of the many people living or deceased who currently reside in Miller’s head.