Cleveland, OH – In a shocking revelation made during a recent postgame press conference, Cleveland Indians utility man Bill Selby admitted that he has no earthly idea who Jesus Christ is.

"Honestly, I don’t know who you’re talking about," Selby told the crowd of reporters who had gathered around his locker in hopes of hearing him thank his Lord and Personal Savior for helping him hit an improbable walk-off grand slam to defeat the New York Yankees.

"Is he one of our coaches or something?"

One of the shocked, gape-mouthed reporters immediately informed Selby that Jesus of Nazareth–a.k.a. Christ, a.k.a. the Messiah, a.k.a. J.C, a.k.a. Jesus Christo–was, in fact, a teacher, prophet, and miracle-maker who sacrificed himself to pay for the sins of Man, was crucified, and rose from the dead three days later. This rising, known as the "Resurrection," was only the singlemost important event in Christian history, the event upon which the entire Christian religion has been based for thousands and thousands of years.

"Sorry," Selby shrugged, drying his hair with a towel. "Doesn’t ring a bell."

Hoping to ignite Selby’s memory, reporters then informed Selby that Jesus is also typically the first person given praise by professional athletes after they perform amazing feats of physical accomplishment, or overcome great odds when no one gave them a chance.

"As far as I remember," Selby, a career .245 hitter with 7 home runs, explained, "I was the one who fouled off a few tough pitches, ran the count full, and then hit a filthy split-finger fastball over the fence. I don’t recall anyone named ‘Jesus’ giving me any pointers.

Selby added: "But hey, if this Savior fella has any tips on how to handle [Yankees closer Mariano] Rivera next time, I’m all ears."

Upon hearing this brazen statement, most of the reporters gasped–some of them audibly muttering words like "blasphemer" and "heretic"–and then stood for a few moments, silently condemning the shameless infidel sitting before them.

At that point, one reporter–Joe Fabrizio of the Cleveland Plain Dealer–decided to spoon-feed Selby one last chance to fall in step with the rest of the sports world and give praise where praise was due for his success–to Jesus Christ–so they could wrap it up and all go home.

"But Bill," Fabrizio pleaded, "when you were struggling through the minors, and had injury setbacks, and thought your dream to play professional baseball would never come true, and were tempted by pleasures of the flesh and the bottle, and were at your lowest–who guided you from this eternal darkness, saved you, helped you find the skills, strength, and faith to rise from the minor league ashes into the celestial light of Major League Baseball. Hint: it begins with a ‘J.’"

Selby thought for a moment before answering, "I’d have to say my batting coach at AAA Toledo, Morty Chapnick."

Hearing this, the reporters let out a loud, frustrated groan and angrily stormed away.

"Thanks guys," Selby called after them, popped open a cold, frosty Budweiser, and lit up a Marlboro Light.

"I threw him a batting practice fastball right down the middle, so to speak," Fabrizio later said of his Christ-related question, "and he still didn’t bite. Who knows, maybe he really doesn’t know who Jesus is?"

Fabrizio added: "But next time, I hope one of the Latin guys hits the walk-off homer."

Informative book hurled at Selby by angry, insulted reporters.