Orlando, FL – On the heels of the alleged crimes involving NBA stars like Philadelphia 76’ers guard Allen Iverson and Milwaukee Bucks forward Glenn Robinson, Orlando Magic forward Jud Buechler recently tried–and failed–to commit a series of high-profile crimes, sources reported Monday.
Buechler, the twelve-year veteran out of the University of Arizona, began his "spree" over the weekend by instigating a public confrontation with wife, Karen, at a family barbecue
"Jud takes a bite of a cheeseburger and, after looking around to make sure everyone was listening, he starts yelling about it being undercooked," said Karen Buechler, shaking her head and laughing while recounting the total non-incident. "He’s saying the f-word and calling me ‘dirty ho’–which was hilarious because Jud is such a nice, decent guy–and then he throws the burger at me! So now I’m standing there covered in ketchup and mustard, laughing my behind off, and Jud still has this fake ‘mad face’ on, which made me laugh even harder."
Everyone else immediately started laughing, appreciating Buechler’s joke. But according to Karen, it wasn’t until her husband called her a ‘Stupid, no-cheeseburger-cookin’, fat-ass beeyotch’ and threatened to ‘Knock the ugly right off her face’ that everyone really burst out laughing.
"Jud’s always had such a great sense of humor, but whew boy–‘Dirty ho’–that was a doozy," she said, still giggling and wiping tears out of her eyes.
While friends and family enjoyed the apparent gag, Buechler himself did not appreciate their refusal to take him seriously.
According to Buechler’s brother-in-law, Dave Strobel, Jud immediately ran into the house and locked himself in his bedroom. When Strobel knocked on the door and tried to coax Buechler into coming back outside, Buechler reportedly stated, "Unless you’re with a pack of five-oh that wants to charge me with domestic assault and drag me downtown in front of an ESPN camera crew, I’m not going nowhere."
"Oh man, when Jud referred to the police as ‘five-oh’ that was priceless," Strobel said, smiling widely. "That’s why we love him. He’s always goofing around."
Saturday’s failure to land in the national sports police blotter led a desperate Buechler to make other attempts at high-profile crime, none of which succeeded. These included: driving his 1999 Ford Windstar minivan 32 mph through a 20 mph school zone, demanding no ice in his root beer while eating lunch at a local Bennigans, brazenly carrying unlicensed toenail clippers in his glove compartment, and purposely forgetting to put the toilet seat back down.
The final example is believed to be yet another vain effort on Buechler’s part to create an altercation with his wife that would lead to physical violence. But while Buechler’s reckless behavior is strange, it is not unusual, according to Magic team psychiatrist, Dr. David Costa.
"Unlike Allen ‘AI’ Iverson and Glenn ‘Big Dog’ Robinson, anonymous caucasian players like Jud ‘Jud’ Buechler often feel emotionally isolated when it comes to both the on- and off-court activities of their fellow players," Costa said.
"And clinically speaking," Costa continued, "unless he proves himself where it really counts– by throwing his naked wife out of a speeding car, threatening photographers with a glock, or hitting someone over the head with a chair at a strip club–Jud will never be truly accepted by the NBA."
"Undercooked" burger-turned-attempted-assault-weapon.
The only car someone named "Jud" could possibly drive.