CLUSES, France – Despite already having tried and failed on several occasions to find evidence of illegal or performance-enhancing drug use, cycling officials at the Tour de France say they will continue to investigate Lance Armstrong and his U.S. Postal Service team until they find something, sources report.
The probe will continue on the heels of Armstrong's fourth consecutive Tour de France victory. And also because the French are, as a race, jealous, superior jerkoffs who can’t stand that an American, once again, pimp-slapped them on their own turf, in what is supposed to be their "national sport."
"You can keep it [the case] open, but there is nothing there," a fed-up Armstrong told French reporters who had gathered to inquire yet again about the unsubstantiated charges, and imply that he could not have survived cancer and won the Tour without the help of controlled substances.
"Miseur Armstrong, please tell the truth…you are on the steroids, no?" asked one particularly toady little Frenchy shit.
Hearing this, Armstrong appeared to have finally given in. He sighed, nodded, and removed the famous yellow jersey–symbolic of the race’s leader and eventual champion–and held it out to the reporter.
"Yes, okay, I give up," Armstrong admitted solemnly. "You French are too clever for me. I’ve been doping for all my Tour victories, and I’ve done racing a great disservice by wearing this. Here, take it. I am not worthy. It belongs on a Frenchman."
When the reporter greedily reached out for the jersey, Armstrong quickly pulled it back.
"Too slow, Pierre!" he taunted, and put the jersey back on. "Just as slow as those tricycle-riding, snail-eating fruits you call French cyclists."
Armstrong then gave the reporters the finger, and walked off the podium.
Armstrong, 27, was diagnosed with testicular cancer in 1996. After the disease spread to his brain and lungs, he was near death. But after successful operations and chemotherapy, he began his comeback in early 1998.
That’s when he started kicking some serious Frog ass up and down the Alps.
Despite this latest setback, the governing body of the Tour de France, the Amaury Sports Organisation (AMO), vows to continue cracking down on illegal drug use, or "doping," until they catch Armstrong in the act of injecting himself with a big, drippy steroid needle.
"The Tour de France has invested a lot in the fight against drugs," AMO president Jean Jean Le’Pew said in his totally gay French accent. "While the results recently given show major improvements, we won't stop the battle. We will catch miseur Armstrong one of these days. Do you see how we spell ‘Organisation’ with an ‘s’ instead of a ‘z’? Eh? That proves we’re smarter and more cultured than you American savages, and we will win."
Le’ Pew then added: "Win the war against doping, that is. Not the Tour de France. We are far too sissy-like for that."
One of the French reporters gathered at Thursday’s press conference.
Jersey that French just can’t seem to win.