Cambridge, MA – Genetic engineers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, working in close conjunction with the Alcore Life Extension Foundation of Scottsdale, AZ, announced the successful creation of the first clone using DNA from recently deceased baseball legend and American hero, Ted Williams.

The DNA was made available when Williams’ son, John Henry, sold his father’s still-warm corpse to Alcor.

"We are extremely satisfied with the results of the Williams project," said Dr. Robert Flynn, the chief engineer for the M.I.T. team, as he shook hands and posed for photographs with Alcor President and CEO, Calvert Green, and John Henry Williams. "And I’d like to report that Teddy is doing fine, is alert, happy, and is ready to ‘get up to bat’ and ‘take a few swings’ at life. He’s already swinging a bat, and is on his way to being the most genetically-perfect specimen in baseball history."

After a brief, awkward moment in which the three men exchanged ominous glances, they broke into a way-too-hearty laugh and slapped each other playfully on the back.

"Really, I swear, he’s fine," Flynn re-affirmed. "Ship-shape. No freakish physical abnormalities or dangerous psychopathic behavior whatsoever."

While the trio’s demeanor at the press conference would suggest that the procedure was indeed a success, rumors say otherwise. According to a former member of the M.I.T./Alcor team who wished to remain anonymous, "Teddy," as the MIT team named the Williams clone, is in reality a grotesquely deformed, miniature (3’4") version of Ted Williams himself who suffers from a variety of severe physical and emotional ailments, including schizophrenia, liver and kidney disease, and terminal dwarfism.

"One night in the lab, Teddy chewed through his restraints and escaped from his cage," said the anonymous source. "Ever see that movie Leprechaun? Well, it was like that. He was running around under tables, jumping out at everyone, biting their ankles and calves. He sent a few people to the hospital with rabies."

"Teddy" was reportedly on the loose for many hours until staff found him clinging upside-down to a corkboard ceiling panel in a storage closet.

"I finally knocked him off the ceiling with a broom, but the little monster landed on his feet and immediately started swinging that little toy bat at us like a maniac. It took five of us to tackle and sedate him, but not before he fractured Dr. Nevin’s shin. Off the record, I wish that greedy bastard John Henry Williams had never sold his father’s body to Alcor."

However, this wild rampage was not the first such example of Teddy’s severe mental imbalance.

"One night after another escape, Teddy clubbed our lab cat, Mr. Sniggles, over the head and ate him raw. When I got to work the next day and saw the bones, blood and fur all over the place, I quit on the spot. It’s a good job, but I’m not sticking around with that little wild cannibal running loose."

The Source went on to say that while "Teddy" looks very similar to the original Williams in his prime–mostly due to the tiny #9 Red Sox uniform that Flynn, Green, and John Henry insist he wear–he has some obvious differences, most notably snarled fangs, razor-sharp claws, a forked tongue, a constant stream of cranial fluid dribbling out of one cauliflower-ear, and club feet with natural leathery soles.

"That said," admitted the Source, "he sure can swing that bat and hit anything coming at him, just like the ol’ Splendid Splinter himself. His eyesight is off the charts."

He added: "But that may just be because of that extra eyeball growing out of his temple."

When asked about the Source’s allegations, the oafish, bloodsucking John Henry Williams denied that the attempt to clone his father had gone horribly wrong, and that perhaps, just maybe, he had done the wrong thing by freezing his father’s corpse. He also reiterated that being cloned in miniature and sold like a carnival freak to baseball teams, memorabilia collectors, trade show promoters, anyone with a few bucks, was his father’s last dying wish.

He then produced a legal document with his father’s signature on it as proof.

"See? See? That’s what he wanted," the younger Williams said, showing reporters the "document"–a crumpled, torn Taco Bell napkin stained with what appeared to be salsa, refried beans, and either chalupa sauce or axle grease.

"I know people are saying that he wanted to be cremated and have his ashes spread over the Florida Keys, but that’s not true," Williams continued. "He wanted me to help genetically engineer and market ‘Teddys’ for $25,000 apiece so his baseball legend and his giant estate–to which I am the primary heir–could live on for all eternity…at least until I ruin everything because I’m such a complete and utter fucking loser who should be torn apart by wild dogs and have my shredded, bloody remains thrown into a compost heap."

"Oops," Williams added, "I meant to end that last sentence with just ‘…live on for all eternity.’ That sounds much better."

After scanning the room to make sure no one was looking, Williams then handed Alcor representatives a Ziploc® baggie containing some toenail clippings and nose hairs that he recently found under a rug in his father’s bathroom.

Where Ted’s decapitated cranium now resides.

"Teddy" in a calmer moment.

"Teddy" after becoming enraged.

John Henry’s binding, 100% legit legal document.