Despite allegedly being the world’s most popular sport–and despite the United States team’s run to the World Cup quarterfinals–soccer has still failed to captivate the average American sports fan. To what do Rag Readers attribute this lack of American interest in soccer?

"Ronaldo is okay. But when it comes to one-named stars, I’ll take a good ol’ American like Carrottop or Gallagher any day of the week." -- Mitch Z., Kansas City

"The only thing worth watching is when they all cup their nuts during a penalty kick. Other than that it’s total snoozeville." -- Ariel T., Portsmouth, NH

"I’ll be damned if some banana republic in South America is gonna dictate which sports are popular and which aren’t. But Banana Republic can dictate which cargo pants are popular. I just love their cargo pants." -- Louis J., San Pedro, CA

"I wanted to be a soccer player when I grew up. But my overbearing army-general-of-a-father wouldn’t let me. So I became a soccer player. Wait, I messed that up. Can I start again?" -- Danny P., Skokie, IL

"Mama always said ‘Soccer is like a box of chocolates...it sucks big old donkey dick.'" -- H. Pearson, Boston, MA

"The fact that you can’t use your hands ruins soccer for me. Can you imagine not using your hands in real life? That would make it extremely difficult to – and this is just a wild hypothetical, now – to throttle the life out of, say, transvestite hookers you pick up at Denny’s." -- Larry, Austin, TX

The same drama queen from the other story takes the same wussy dive.