Katy, TX -- Coming off a week which saw him involved in an intentional beaning controversy–this one surrounding his premeditated targeting of San Francisco Giants outfielder Barry Bonds–fiery New York Yankees pitcher Roger Clemens found himself embroiled in yet another beaning incident after he reportedly hurled a Tater Tot® potato snack treat at his own son.
The alleged savage beaning occurred on a day off during the Yankees recent eight game road swing, at a picnic that Clemens hosted for teammates at his 66-acre Katy, TX farm.
According to witnesses, at the far end of the long picnic table, one of Clemens’ sons began his meal by leaning a little too far over his plate. Clemens, upon noticing the boys’ shoddy manners and lack of respect for what the pitcher later called "my rightful territory," immediately became enraged, reared back, and fired a semi-frozen Tater Tot® potato nugget directly at the unsuspecting boy’s skull.
"It made a really loud coconut sound," said one witness, catcher Jorge Posada, "you know, like in a cartoon. I thought it was funny until the kid’s eyes started rolling up into his head."
Upon direct contact with the boy’s cranium, the tot violently ricocheted down onto the boy’s flailing hand, causing his plastic "spork" to splinter into many pieces.
In a reaction that evoked memories of yet another controversial Clemens incident–in the 2000 World Series, when Clemens angrily threw a large piece of a shattered bat at Mets’ catcher Mike Piazza–the future Hall of Fame pitcher immediately picked up one of the larger the spork fragments and hurled it at his disoriented son, who, by that point, had staggered to his feet and begun stumbling clumsily towards his red-faced father.
"I thought it was the Tater Tot, I swear," Clemens later said of the clearly non-potatoish, half-spoon/half-fork plastic remnant. "It was just a heat-of-the-moment reaction."
Seconds later, the boy collapsed and lay twitching in the dirt for a number of minutes before relatives and players helped him regain consciousness by fanning him with napkins.
While Clemens brand of mound intimidation has been called "dirty" and "redneck thuggery" by critics, who also suggest the pitcher might benefit from anger management counseling, teammates say it’s just a reflection of the intense drive and highly competitive nature that ‘The Rocket’ has displayed throughout his 18 year career.
"For a power pitcher like Roger, intimidation is a crucial part of his game," said longtime Yankees bench coach, Don Zimmer. "That’s just old school baseball. It’s a battle out there, and Roger likes to establish his domain early. That’s why he’s headed to the Hall of Fame."
When told that it was not, in fact, old school baseball, but rather just a little kid eating a hamburger, and a borderline case of child abuse, Zimmer replied, "Well, I bet he’ll [Clemens’ son] never slump over his plate like that again, that’s for sure."
Clemens’ son is listed as day-to-day with a mild concussion and blurred vision.
As of press time, it is still unsure whether the beaning victim was Kory, Kacy, Koby, Kristopher, Kerry, Kareem, Krylon, Kreskin, Koolaid, Katmandu, K-Y, Kalamazoo, Kinky, Kooky, Krusty, Karen, Krispy Kreme, or KKK.
Clemens in the "thrown bat" incident.
The "Tater Tot"-turned-projectile.