Stockholm, SW –Officials in Sweden’s Ministry of Science and Medicine announced yesterday that after months of research and intensive labor, the assembly of golf star Tiger Woods’ next girlfriend is reaching its final stages.
The latest model will soon be ready for shipment to Woods’ Orlando home as early as next Monday.
"We’ve reached a crucial stage of development, but I forsee no problems from this juncture on," said Dr. Lars Larssen, Director of Biomedical Engineering at the FemGen® Corporation, where Woods’ previous three significant others have been manufactured.
"And by ‘crucial’stage, I mean we’re just taking turns playing with her rack for a little while longer. We programmed her not to press sexual harassment charges."
The doctor then gave a hearty thumbs-up.
T4–the code name given to Woods’ newest girlfriend–will replace T3, a.k.a. Swedish supermodel Elin Nordregen, also a FemGen® product, having rolled off the assembly line in May of 2001. As with T3, the assembly of T4 required a "Dream Team" of biomedical researchers, genetic engineers, fashion designers, personal trainers, plastic surgeons, and Formula One auto mechanics.
"Mr. Woods spares no expense when it comes to the construction of his female companions," said Dr. Magnus Olafssen, the world renowned Inner Thigh and Nape of Neck Specialist who was brought in specifically to work on the T4 project. "After all, she will be photographed by his side at the Espys, and in tournament galleries alongside his [Woods’] mother. It’s only right that the latest model be every bit as flawless in appearance as the others."
"However," Olafssen continued, "also like the others, Mr. Woods has insisted that T4’s solar powered microchip and battery pack console only be charged for four months, the time it normally takes for him to shag her rotten, get sick of hearing her voice, and unceremoniously dump her for the next exact replica."
Upon learning of her impending replacement, the already partly disassembled T3/Nordregen uttered some inaudible grunts from inside the FemBox
TM re-storage unit, which FemGen provides all its top clients when their girlfriends are nearing the end of their cycles in the public eye.Woods himself was also unavailable for comment, but his representatives released the following prepared statement: "While Tiger has thoroughly enjoyed T3, he is eagerly awaiting the arrival of the new, improved 5’ 10", 108 pound, blonde haired, blue eyed FemGen creation. And as always, he looks forward to doing terribly naughty things with her in between Grand Slam victories."
Early, rejected T4 prototypes.
Finished FenGen prototype based on Woods’ stringent specs.