Some Weird Country – Sources within several reputable news organizations have officially confirmed that there is some sort of big soccer tournament being played in some far away country whose name escapes us at the moment.
But it might be Sri Lanka. Or maybe Jakakistan.
According to these reliable sources, the soccer tournament -- called the Big Cup or the World Series of Soccer, but we could be wrong so don’t quote us -- has been in continuous play for going on two months now, and features elimination rounds of teams representing countless countries with funny names like Tunisia, Cameroon, and France.
"Tsu Chu, the earliest known form of soccer, was played in China as early as 200 B.C., and its popularity around the world hasn’t waned since," said some grimy, longhaired, foreign soccer expert guy that we didn’t even really ask, but just barged in and started yapping about soccer. "Soccer is hands down the world’s most popular sport, and 2002 World Cup TV audiences are estimated in the several millions."
"Yeah," we had no choice but to reply, "like some starving, naked guy with big plates in his lips in the middle of a rainforest gives a shit about how Brazil or Paraguay or whatever the fuck is doing in the Big Soccer Cup. They probably don’t even have cheerleaders in soccer, do they?"
Hearing this, the soccer guy called us "cretins" or something like that, and walked away, the fag.
This "soccer," also known around the world as "football," even though it’s a thousand times more boring than real football, apparently involves ninety minutes of players wildly pratfalling and pretending to be hurt, referees holding up colored cards for some strange reason, and lots of general milling around. Each "match," inevitably ending in a 0-0 tie, is then decided by both teams taking turns kicking a stationary ball as hard as they possibly can into a net the size of an airplane hangar from about three feet away.
The Super Important Soccer Trophy tournament will reportedly continue play somewhere in Asia, or Russia, until about Christmas, 2006. As of press time, Germany is still playing, we think, and so is Turkey and a few other countries who have soccer teams.
Wait, scratch that….that grimy soccer guy just showed up uninvited again and said that Brazil beat one of the Germanys to win the whole thing.
Whoop-de-fucking-doo.
Another drama queen soccer player fakes an injury.