Avon, CT – During a recent state championship semifinal game between the Avon High Falcons and rival Simsbury Trojans, retired veterinarian and volunteer umpire Nathan Blum, 71, informed an irate father that he does, in fact, need a new pair of eyeglasses.
The admission came on the heels of Blum calling Simsbury second baseman Allan Peterson, 16, out at home plate, a controversial call that allowed Avon to move onto the Class C State Championship and ended Simsbury’s season.
"When I called that Peterson boy out," Blum reported, "one gentleman in the stands immediately began inquiring about my eye situation. So I told him that yes, I not only need to update my prescription at 4-Eyes [Optical, on Route 44], I also might be suffering from advanced stages glaucoma."
According to witnesses, Blum then calmly explained to the red-faced, bug-eyed spectator that in this day and age of fast food and rock videos, young people rarely show respect for their elders, so he [Blum] greatly appreciated the man’s concern. "Then I told him that he should have his own eyes checked sooner rather than later, because I sure wished I’d done that when I was his age."
Upon hearing the unexpected health advice from the kindly, frail, grandfatherly umpire, the spectator finally snapped, flew into a blind rage and leapt down from the metal grandstands.
"And that’s when he tackled me and started hitting me about the head and neck with that Igloo® cooler of his," Blum said.
While being pried off of the helpless geriatric by Blum’s fellow umpires and spectators, Peterson’s irate father, Randall, 44, of Simsbury, began throwing wild punches at anyone within striking distance while screaming, "Fucking Depends-wearing, Coccoon wiseass! My son was fucking safe you blind, senile old cocksucker! I’ll teach you to talk wiseass shit to me, you blue-haired sonofabitch! I’ll fucking kill you!"
"I think he meant me," Blum said. "But he was slurring so much I can’t quite be sure."
Millie Blum, 72, listening while pressing an icepack to her husband’s battered, bruised forehead, confirmed that Peterson had most likely been drinking. "Smelled like Long Island iced teas," she said quietly.
Replays on Simsbury Channel 126 public access television have shown that the younger Peterson had beaten the relay throw by a good six feet, crossing home plate standing up into the waiting arms of jubilant teammates by the time the throw arrived on four bounces and was picked up by the catcher, who halfheartedly swiped at the runner.
But Blum stands by his call.
"These peepers may not be as sharp as they used to be," he said, "but I saw that tag. The young man was out by a hair on a tick’s behind."
Blum is presently recovering at the Shady Acres Home for Blind Senseless Incontinent Seniors. Randall Peterson is being held on $20,000 bond and faces charges of assault with a deadly weapon and public intoxication.
The assault weapon.