Chatham, NJ – Matthew McKay, 9, star forward on the Junior D.C. United local youth soccer team, already refers to himself in the third person, McKay family members reported this week.
"We’re eating meatloaf last Saturday," said sister Christina,12, "and Matthew’s all like ‘Matthew doesn’t want meatloaf. Matthew needs carbs before games. Matthew’s gotta eat pasta or Matthew will play sucky against the Junior Metro Stars.’ And I’m like, ‘Will Matthew shut the hell up?’"
While some might consider it alarming that an athlete of nine is already such an arrogant little prick, Junior United coach Sam Jannetta says that if anyone’s earned the right to practice Self-Important Third Person Reference, it’s McKay.
"He's scored two goals this year, he always remembers his shin pads, and he never cries when there aren’t enough orange wedges at halftime," Jannetta said. "He’s northern Jersey’s only true 11-and-under superstar and should be treated like it. Anyone who says otherwise is just jealous."
"Do you think Matthew's idol Rickey Henderson doesn't take a cell phone call or two during practice?" Jannetta asked. "I'm fine with it, as long as Matthew keeps producing."
However, Carol McKay, Matthew’s mother, disagrees with Jannetta, citing her son’s growing penchant for video games, fast bikes, jewelry, and other self-indulgent trappings of athletic stardom. "I’m sick and tired of his ‘posse’ hanging around hoping to sponge off Matthew’s future soccer millions, eating our fruit rollups, and drinking all our juice," she said. "Sunny D isn't cheap, you know."
"And speaking of sponging money," she added, "I wish that little gold-digging slut from Summit would drop that paternity suit. Matthew's nine for Christ's sake."
When asked about the alleged paternity suit–filed by an unnamed fifteen-year-old girl from neighboring Summit–Matthew neither confirmed nor denied the allegations.
"Matthew neither confirms nor denies the allegations," he said. "But being a bigshot famous youth soccer star has its problems, and that includes girls. Lots of girls want to scrimmage 'one-on-one' with Matthew McKay."
"And I think you know what Matty M is talking about," he said, with an exaggerated wink.
Soccer superstar Matthew McKay steals the ball from a defenseless little girl.