RALEIGH, NC – When Martin Gelinas re-directed a hard centering pass behind Toronto Maple Leafs’ goalie Curtis Joseph 8:05 into overtime, it sent the Carolina Hurricanes to their first ever Stanley Cup finals. More than that, it almost revealed to the state of North Carolina that they actually have a hockey team.
"I was watching RPM 2Night for an update on Cal Green, Rusty Wallace’s pit crew chief who broke his butt bone at the Co’Cola 600 last weekend over yonder in Concord [NC]," said Lumberton, NC resident John Krudwig. "And on that scroller thing they’s got at the bottom of the screen it said the Panthers beat some frenchy team in the big hockey tournament. I didn’t even know we had a team, but hell, good for them."
When informed that the local NHL franchise is in fact called the Hurricanes, and was formerly the Hartford Whalers, Krudwig became slightly agitated and said, "Well thank you very much, Mr. Shell Answer Man…good for the fuckin’ ‘Hurricanes’ then."
Mr. Krudwig then scratched at his filth-covered #3 "Intimidator" cap, gave us the finger, and slammed the screen door to the crumbling Dodge El Camino in which he resides.
The Hurricanes’ 2-1 victory over Toronto marks only the third time an NHL expansion franchise south of the Mason-Dixon line has reached the Stanley Cup Finals, joining the 1996 Florida Panthers, and 1999 Dallas Stars. However, this amazing feat means absolutely nothing to any man, woman, dog, insect, or patch of blue-green algae living within five hundred miles of the team’s Raleigh home.
"Hmm," said a clearly puzzled Fayetteville diner owner Heffro Tindall, "is ‘hockey’ that game where they whack at that little black saucer thang with them ice sticks?"
When told that hockey is indeed played with sticks, albeit wooden ones, and the "black saucer" is called a "puck," Mr. Tindall’s eyes narrowed and he suggested we "git" before he starts "sprayin’ some wiseguy, college boy ass fulla buckshot."
While such sports as college basketball, college football, high school basketball, high school football, minor league baseball, high school baseball, Little League baseball, tee ball, soccer, beach volleyball, regular volleyball, tennis, golf, miniature golf, Jai Alai, ping pong, dodgeball, surfing, boogie boarding, swimming, dog paddling, buck hunting, bow hunting, deer hunting, duck hunting, cat hunting, squirrel hunting, coon hunting, people hunting, lawn darts, barbecuing, frog jumping, frog breeding, tick spearing, cousin humping, truck crashing, horse racing, horse hunting, wife smacking, shirtless cop-wrestling, anti-government arsenal stockpiling, banjo playing, mullet growing, and, of course, NASCAR will always top NHL hockey in terms of overall southern interest, Hurricanes head coach Paul Maurice says the good people of North Carolina will soon take notice of his gritty, hard-working squad.
"O’Neill, Gelinas, Arturs Irbe–all these guys represent the wonderful folks who live in the great state of North Carolina, tens, even twenties of whom have seen us play live," said Maurice, who moved with the club when it relocated from Hartford following the 1996-97 season. "Like North Carolinians, they never fold under adverse conditions. They support each other until the end. They’re resilient, honest, decent people who represent a top-notch part of the country."
Maurice then added: "And once the 45th Annual Kiwanis Incontinent Goat n’ Possum Rodeo clears out of town, they’ll let us have our stadium back and we’ll show ‘em what we’re made of."
Nine of the thirteen known Hurricanes fans tailgate prior to a recent game.
Huricanes mascot "Stormy," who is often mistaken for a big possum by gun-toting locals.