Baltimore, MD – After months of intensive interviews and field testing, a recent Johns Hopkins sports research project has confirmed that the sport of cross country running still predominantly attracts "those no-good nerds," this according to a smirking man of classic, All-American good looks and engaging personality, Dr. Stone Hunter, Director of Sports Medicine and Research.
Hunter, who is also a part-time Sears catalog model, was the star quarterback at Big State University, where he was also a member of the Delta Chi Alpha fraternity–by far the most popular on campus–and served as president for two years, during which he enforced staunch anti-nerd policies.
"This one time during the research project, Dr. Morton and I hid in the bushes on either side of the running path with some fishing line," Dr. Hunter elaborated while unsuccessfully attempting to stifle giggles with his perfectly chiseled jaw of sheer granite. "And just as a whole herd of these pasty, skinny, geeky test subjects approached, we pulled the fishing line real taut and Bam!…they all trip and…and crash into each other and fall down in a big, giant geek-pile like..like…oh God, excuse me a moment…"
At that point, the downright handsome Hunter then held up one index finger, braced himself on the podium and–perhaps after remembering some other elaborate prank he and his fellow in-crowd researchers played on the nerdish, pimply, Dungeons & Dragons-playing runners–finally doubled over and exploded into bouts of uncontrollable laughter.
"Oh, Jesus, what a bunch of fucking tools!" Hunter blurted out in an overly high-pitched voice while shaking his head and dabbing at the corners of steel-blue eyes with his perfectly color coordinated $400 Hermes tie.
"We sure showed those meddling nerds where they belong," Hunter concluded some minutes later after composing himself. "It was just like the good old fraternity days at Big State U."
The dashing, popular Dr. Hunter, a dead ringer for dashing, popular actor Ted McGinley.
A group of totally geeky test subjects.