Heaven -- In a statement released earlier today, Jesus Christ vehemently denied helping Franklin & Marshall College (Lancaster, PA) defeat area rival Lebanon Valley College 64-63 in a recent tournament game.
"I didn’t know they still played Division III hoops," said The Messiah after learning that several F&M players repeatedly thanked and praised Him. "Do they use a regular sized ball and have uniforms and everything?"
Jesus’s statement comes in response to a postgame interview with sophomore forward LaPrawn Robertson on Lancaster local cable access Channel 127, in which Robertson repeatedly thanked his lord and personal savior Jesus Christ for safely guiding his desperation, half-court, game-winning three-point shot. He gave all praise to Jesus for helping his team "rise from the ashes like the Phoenix Suns [sic]" and for "watching over me with all his powerful light and glory."
The Messiah, however, denied any responsibility.
"When I heard that this Robertson kid thanked me I was like ‘whoa, whoa, hold on there sparky,’ Jesus said. "I was too busy helping Alicia Keys and Destiny’s Child at the Grammys that night to be, uh, ‘guiding’ three-pointers in the middle of goat-fuck Pennsylvania. Fact is, I don’t even watch sports that much anymore. I even missed the Super Bowl this year."
"Just ask Kurt Warner," he added.
The non-sports-watching Jesus of Nazareth.