Fantasy Hockey Player Discovered

Medicine Hat, Alberta – The Canadian Intelligence Agency reports that it has located the only known fantasy hockey player in North America.

After spending nearly a decade and more than $4 million dollars in search of this elusive, curious individual, authorities finally tracked Grant Fellows, a telemarketer and part-time Pizza Ring delivery driver, to his suburban Medicine Hat studio apartment. Mr. Fellows was located after government hackers tracked him to his computer as he checked the NHL injury report on ESPN.com.

"One minute I’m seeing how long [Islanders forward Michael] Peca will be oot for," said Fellows, 22, dressed in his trademark acid-washed jeans and Rush: Exit Stage Left T-shirt. "And the next minute a bunch of goons are busting down the door and slamming me against the wall. I thought for sure they were after my weed."

Fellows was immediately injected with a syringe, knocked out, and thrown into the back of a waiting Chevy Suburban.

"They dragged me off to some brainwashing clinic or something. They put toothpicks in my eyes -- you know, like Malcolm McDowell in that freaky Clockwork Orange flick-- and for, like, the next month they made me watch every Flames game from last year, even the ones against the [Columbus] Blue Jackets and [Atlanta] Thrashers. It was horrible." He then stared off into the distance for a minute before softly repeating, "Just horrible."

"I think I'll play fantasy football next year," Fellows confirmed.

Reconditioned fantasy hockey enthusiast, Grant Fellows.