Hyannisport, MA – Former SEC Chairman, Ambassador to Britain, and ruthless patriarch of the Kennedy clan, Joseph P. Kennedy, returned from the dead Monday to buy the Red Sox, acquire some new talent, and win the team’s first World Series title since 1918.

In a press conference held on the sprawling back lawn of the Kennedy Compound, the native Bostonian and totally gruesome-looking Kennedy outlined his plans. "First, I’m taking control of the Sawwx and reversing the curse of that no-good, gin-swilling, half-breed Babe Ruth, so help me Gawwd!" he exclaimed, emphatically pounding the podium with one brittle zombie hand, which splintered apart upon impact, the bones and tissue flying off into the lush, green grass, causing reporters to scatter.

"If that lard-ass kraut bastahd in New Yawk can buy a World Series cham-peen-ship," Kennedy continued, referring to current Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, "I sure as hellfire can, too! No one can match the gumption of a Kennedy -- even a ghoulishly decomposed one who has maggots living where his internal organs used to be!"

While Mr. Kennedy’s announcement displayed the no-holds-barred feistiness for which he was renowned while still alive and cheating his way to a multimillion-dollar fortune, his master plan to bring Boston a World Series title had a few disturbing flaws, according to noted Boston Globe columnist Bob Ryan.

"Mr. Kennedy said he is going to purge the Red Sox of all the ‘godless, jack-a-ninny coloreds’ and ‘day-laboring, bean-eating wetbacks’ that are on the present roster, and get ‘back to good ol’ American baseball,’" Ryan said, shaking his head in disbelief. "Well, I don’t know how to break this to him, but that ignorant, racist, asinine point of view may have flown back in the Depression era, but it sure as hell doesn’t fly now."

Ryan added: "And what's worse, he wants to make Derek Lowe the closer again."

Ryan pointed out to Mr. Kennedy that since his much-welcomed death in 1969 following a massive stroke, African-Americans and Latin-Americans have made up a vast majority of the most respected, talented players in the game. But Kennedy scoffed at this notion. "A Kennedy-run Red Sawwx squawwd doesn't need those lawn jockeys and migrant laborers. What we’ve lacked lo these many years are players like Nat ‘Eight Fingers’ McGillicuddy and ‘Irish’ Jimmy Flaherty, hard-nosed kids off the streets of South Bawwston! Now those were ballplayers, by gum!"

Responding to reporters who quickly reminded him that Flaherty and McGillcuddy had a combined career batting average of .047 -- and were dead -- Kennedy cut them off, saying "While they may not have, er, ah, the raww talent of the minorities, or even be what you’d call remotely co-awdinated, these myopic, chowder-headed, close-minded soldiers of white truth, er, ah, ballplayers will more than make up for it with pure moxie!"

When Ryan also said that Asian ballplayers – including 2001 American League MVP Ichiro Suzuki - are now a major focus of MLB scouting and development, the few flakes of skin that Kennedy has left on his worm-eaten, grinning skull-face went white. "Then what in blazes did we fight Dubbya-Dubbya Two for then? To let those sneaky, yellow bastahds play in our Gawd-fearing, lily-white national pastime? You half-wits have let the world go to Hell in a handbasket! Even I can’t help the Red Sawx under these conditions!"

Kennedy then concluded the press conference by picking up some shattered bone fragments and disease-ridden vermin that had popped out of his ribcage, and angrily insisting that he be returned directly to Hell "post-haste!"

Joseph Kennedy Sr. (front, center) posing with family back in 1947.

Kennedy speaking at Monday's press conference.