Chicago, IL – Experts at Northwestern University have linked sweaters worn by former Chicago Bears and New Orleans Saints Head Coach Mike Ditka to brain aneurysms and other neurological trauma.

"The results, frankly, have been staggering," said Dr. Harris P. Weiss, Chief of Staff at the William Hampton Neurological Research Center.

Ditka, now an NFL commentator and advertising pitch man, often wears crew-necked sweaters of an outdated, swirling, multi-colored variety whose designs, according to Weiss, have had frightening effects on laboratory animals, including detached retinas, lockjaw, incontinence and worse.

"When we showed them some of Ditka’s sweater patterns and designs, one monkey went bezerk and attacked Dr. [Linda] Kuperman, biting her about the hand and arms. A few mice suffered fatal brain hemorrhages, paranoia and reverted to self-mutilation as an apparent means of escape. One even appeared to be weeping and then soiled himself before collapsing. It was awful.They really, really hate those sweaters."

Weiss then added that he hasn’t seen such conclusive ugly sweater-related trauma since the Cosby Experiments of 1985.

Ditka in a rare sweater-free moment.

"Chim-Chim" becomes hostile after seeing Ditka sweater.